Most Men Don’t Report Domestic Disputes

By Marianne Martinez, CBS 11 News

GRAND PRAIRIE (CBSDFW.COM) – Questions still remain surrounding the domestic incident involving interim Dallas mayor Dwaine Caraway and his wife, State Rep. Barbara Mallory Caraway. But the story has highlighted a problem with domestic violence across the country. The number of incidents could be much higher than you think – because most men who are victims do not report the case.

“I don’t think Barbara has the intentions of hurting me,” Caraway said on an audio tape. “But in the midst of a fit of rage, you never know what may happen.” That audio shed light on a heated argument between the interim mayor and his wife, but it also shed light on a bigger situation across the nation.

It was the mayor who felt that he had to hide and protect himself in his own home, as his wife held a knife in her hands. Incidents of reported domestic abuse like this, where the man is the victim, are rare. But they do occur. “A lot of times, men aren’t reporting because of shame. They feel embarrassed,” explained Neystal Howard-Jones with Brighter Tomorrows in Grand Prairie.

Brighter Tomorrows is a center designed for victims of domestic and sexual abuse. The organization helps more than 700 women each year, but only about three or four men. “Often, men end up hiding at work or escaping with friends,” Howard-Jones said. “You don’t hear it happening to them.”

Howard-Jones has seen cases of women becoming physically aggressive and pulling weapons on men, but the men usually do not do anything about it because the couple has children. “They’re not only trying to protect themselves, they’re also trying to protect their children from the violence as well,” Howard-Jones said.

But anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse, and men should know that there are resources available to help them out. “We are willing to offer them all the same services,” Howard-Jones said.

  • Most Men Don’t Report Domestic Disputes « Fort Worth News Feeds

    […] Most Men Don’t Report Domestic Disputes The number of domestic violence incidents could be higher than you think – because most victimized men do not report it. Go to News Source […]

  • crasster

    Face it, men who are REAL victims of domestic violence are wussies. I’m not talking about a slap here and there, now and then. But if your woman routinely beats your butt in a fight, you are a wimp. Eventually any man of stout nature will grab her by the shoulders,lift her up, and SLAM her down on the couch or bed. Let her see the strength, and she’ll back off real quick.

    Instead they cry and say “why me”. F-that.

    • yitzhakbenavi

      No, real men defend themselves without hitting the woman or calling her names or abusing her in any way. Real men, in the end, if they cannot stop the abuse of the woman than they leave, but not before exhausting all means to bring a peaceful end to the abuse. Ie saving the marriage. Real men have honor and integrity. Grabbing a woman by the shoulders and slamming her down on anything to let her see the strength is ridiculous. Give it a break. Some women have rage that can’t be stopped by any means really. You walk, if they won’t get help or do what is right. It’s that simple. You don’t trade evil for evil…. I have been there and I could have put her down in just a few seconds. You reason. You don’t act like the animal they are acting like. I could have reported her but she would have gone to jail. She was seeing a pyshc., but in the end he couldn’t eve help her. She was no danger to anyone except me I guess. After the third threat on my life (ie “don’t make me load the gun and put a bullet in your head) it was time to walk. Men are abused. Real men don’t abuse back.

    • texaschas

      crasster, you’re an idiot. Plain and simple. Did your tiny d&%k grow a little writing that? Fred is right, I think. I was brought up to never hit a woman so what do you do if she continuously resorts to violence? Wait until it escalates to the use of a weapon?

    • bigbubbatadsworth

      Why just slam her down, on the couch? That’s what a real man, who’s stupid will do. A real man with a brain, will call the cops, have her arrested, and then divorce her. Get rid of her, and get on, with your life.

    • delilah pandora

      This is complete ignorance on your part. If the abused man responds to the violence in any kind of aggressive manner, he will be arrested for being abusive and put in jail because of attitudes just like yours that say a man can not be abused. Here’s a fact for you from a female abuse victim. Abuse begins before the abuser ever lays a hand on the victim. Abuse starts with mental manipulation to make the victim vulnerable to the abuse and mentally unable to see a way out other than taking the abuse. A woman can turn a man into a victim by pointing out that he will be ridiculed as a wuss if he does anything about it and that no judge will give him the children which means that if he leaves her, he will be leaving his children in the house with a woman that may physically harm them. What man could ever leave their child in that situation? Abuse is not about physical strength. It is about manipulating the victim into a mentally vulnerable state. It is about power over another. Period.

  • Rick McDaniel


    The concept that women are the only ones abused, is nonsense.

  • davidwr

    This makes some sense, especially in cases where the victim is both bigger and stronger than the aggressor AND where he or she could physically up and leave or otherwise protect himself or herself.

    The reason it makes sense is because, at least for a time, Texas had a “someone must go to a shelter or to jail” policy. This basically means that if you ask for help, you lose all opportunity to resolve the situation without it going “on the record” somewhere. It’s the same reason may people won’t talk to a counselor, minister, or psychiatrist who is subject to mandatory reporting laws.

    Many men, especially those who know they can physically protect themselves if necessary, do not want to get help from anyone who will take this control away from them.

    Some states, possibly including Texas, are experimenting with less-intrusive ways to help families where there is domestic violence but where the immediate physical damage is not huge and where a more gentile approach is more likely to result in a long-term healthy outcome for both parties than an “arrest the abuser or forcibly remove the abused party to a shelter” policy.

    Also, I’m sure the stereotypical male “I’m a grown man, I don’t need help” ego has something to do with not seeking help in a lot of cases.

  • johnny

    haaaaaaaaaaaaaa. im just saying haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  • Fred

    @craster – No, you’re wrong. Truth is, most men I know have been hit or attacked by a woman at some point in their lives. The difference is, men are not allowed to retaliate or even defend themselves because of gender bias and perceived differences in physical strength. Maybe you’d hit your wife. But I won’t. It’s not being a wussie. It’s actually having the self control to not let your emotions get the better of you and hit another person. Women on the other hand feel like it’s ok to hit or strike out because they are weaker than men. And thus they never develop the self control. But nobody likes being hit, regardless of how strong the other person is. This happens a lot more than you think. It’s time for it to stop. I’ve been hit many times. And believe me, I’ve wanted to strike back. But I didn’t. So what do you do? Where do you go for help if you just want someone to step in and explain that it’s wrong? In too many cases, we keep silent about it, and it results in spousal abuse in the other direction. We need a better solution to the problem than that.

  • pws54

    Fred, extremely well said. I have been on the receiving end of physical attacks. I’ve never been injured but it doesn’t matter. I did not retaliate but wanted to. Most women did not grow up with the threat of getting their butt’s kicked for mouthing off or hitting someone. That seems to give them a false sense of security and a lack of respect for the other person. I’ve never been to jail and don’t plan on putting myself in that position. Although it seems law enforcement is changing its attitude somewhat, men are still the ones going to jail most often.
    There are probably more men abusers than women. The only viable option men have is to call the police.

  • Andrew

    I have been there. I am also former Airborne paratrooper, boxer and martial artist. It is not like I cannot defend myself but it is not about the violence as much as it is control. The same as it is for men that abuse women. I defended myself and ended up in jail and still did not speak out. As a result I ended up with a criminal record that will follow me for the rest of my life. I have to explain myself every job opportunity or every time I want to chaperone my Childs school outing. Guys, call the cops, get out and do not go back ever. Same goes for you girls. If they raise their hand leave and have them thrown in jail!!!!!!! No one is worth it. They deserve the best the legal system can give them. Since then this woman has become sober and has apologized several times but it doesn’t make the record go away and the scars (physical) are still there. No apology replaces the memory of being woken up to a skillet to the face or a cigarette on the backside to mention a few things…. At the end of the day I was an idiot for staying. Do not make my mistakes I do not care how hot they are!!!!

  • concerned conservative

    Men don’t report it because we don’t have the same rights as women do. The man will always go to jail and the women will always be considered right by our twisted justice system. That’s the facts.

  • Coretta

    It happens more than we realize.

  • notsureifishoulddisclosemyname

    Sometimes an emotion with a particular woman cannot be reasoned and only be countered with a stronger emotion. Like Eli Goldratt said, men who don’t know this have probably never been married. Women who abuse men can only be reasoned if at some point they know that there could be stronger retaliatory response if they continue to absusive practice. Once they know that threat then most women usually behave better. And the reason it might work is because physically abusive women are acting like immature kids who actually react well to some form of deterrence. If that doesn’t stop them then they likely have a chemical imbalance that needs to be checked.

  • Know someone who's been through it

    Oh please… just like in a pack of dogs – as long as you are the alpha dog, the abuse will stop because of your threat of a stronger retaliatory response, (abuse her back)… nice. Even better, if your threat of this strong retaliatory response (abuse) doesn’t stop her abuse, she must have a chemical imbalance? Abuse – either male or female is a complex behavior. Best to leave the advice and opinions to the experts or to those who have been through it before – like those commenting above to the idiot casster.

    On a side note, if this is the state of your current relationship you might want to watch your back. You’ll never see it coming.

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