My weekly “I hate the Cowboys’ opponent” rant, courtesy of the Miami Dolphins.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because they make it to where you CAN’T hate their mascot! Ever try to legitimately hate something so cute that wants to frolic in water with you and rub its melon head against you while he coos at you too? No. Didn’t think so. At last check, I can’t remember actually listing “wanting to take a swim with my mortal enemy” or “wanting to rub the top of a bitter adversary’s cute little blow hole” on my bucket list of things to do before I die.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because their fans proudly pump their boastful fists in unison to their official fight song, produced by T-Pain. Yes, this song is just as bad as what you read in aforementioned sentence.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because of their colors! Is anyone actually intimidated by the color aqua? That’s about as bad as fearing that random “cerulean” color you always got in your Crayola box as a kid that no one ever knew how to pronounce.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because they share the same city with the Miami Heat, who are home to LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and one of DFW’s notorious traitors Chris Bosh. AND because of YOU, Lebron, “The Decision” actually has its own Wikipedia page. Seriously. It does.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because they also share the same city with the Miami Marlins and they have Ozzie Guillen and the Rangers don’t. I wish they did–if only just to drop him and Josh Hamilton off together at a Sherlock’s bar. THAT would be some reality TV footage for Showtime’s “The Franchise” right there.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because of the University of Miami. NO ONE likes the U. They’re just one notch on the society tier above people who bury puppies alive. Google it.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because of the University of Florida. Yes, WAY before Tim Tebow (okay, 1996) there was another GQ quarterback by the name of Danny Wuerffel. A girl who ended up stealing money from my parents in high school was in love with him and now I’m forced to relive that anger all over again.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because they have Miami Beach and all we have is Hurricane Harbor with alcohol sales, no cussing allowed and not even a DJ to blast hits by LMFAO.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because Dez got into an alleged altercation with mini-rapper Lil’ Wayne at a nightclub called Club LIV on Miami Beach when he should have had that sucker right here at The Fan Sports Lounge and instead spiced it up a little. He should have had 50 Cent on the fight card instead. Now THAT would have been an “alleged altercation.”
I hate the Miami Dolphins because my neighbor back when I had my first, crappy apartment had a tramp stamp of two dolphins forming a circle. She was rude and constantly held her German shepherd over her balcony and it would pee on my plants and kill them. That REALLY hacked me off.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because their state is home to Evan Longoria and ours isn’t. And I love Evan Longoria. Like a lot.
I hate the Miami Dolphins because their city can claim the rapper Pitbull as their son and we can’t. He was born there on January 15th, 1981. And without him, I wouldn’t know the word, “Dalle!”
I hate the Miami Dolphins because their state inevitably gets their own McDonald’s chicken nugget shape in every box you order and Texas doesn’t! There’s always that one nugget that looks like the state of Florida when you turned it upside down! It’s about time that Texas got that sort of treatment too, McDonalds!
The ONLY thing saving the likability factor for the Miami Dolphins lies in QB Ryan Tannehill’s wife, Lauren. Google image search “Lauren Tannehill Red Dress” and you will see why. You may or may not even go out and get a Miami Dolphins foam finger for yourself after seeing her.
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