I could simply just say that I hate the New York Giants because they’ve won two rings since the Cowboys last won one back in 1995 and they’re in the same division as the Cowboys so I automatically HAVE to hate them. But, I’m a bit more layered and complicated in my hate than that.

So without further ado, my weekly “I hate the Cowboys’ opponent” rant, courtesy of the New York Giants.

I hate the New York Giants because they’re called, “The New York Football Giants!” Yes, I get it. It’s for separating themselves from the New York Giants baseball team….OF 1937!! They moved to San Francisco in 1957! I THINK enough time has passed by to drop the moniker already. The Cowboys, “America’s Team” GETS it already.

I hate the New York Giants because they have NO mascot! Only soulless teams like the Oakland Raiders don’t have mascots! So, congratulations, New York Giants! You’re no better than that Raiders when the fate of your soul is ultimately determined.

I hate the New York Giants because of their fans: the “G-Men,” “Big Blue,” or even the “Jints” as they’re called. I haven’t met ONE Giants fan that I like… well, except for Shan’s buddy, Goldberg. I don’t know what the hell a “jint” would be by definition. But it sounds like a grotesque, evil, gross creature with scaly skin, wiry hair and toe nails that look like pointed Fritos Scoops. Which, that in itself makes me mad because I like Fritos Scoops paired with the American cheese that squirts out of a can.

I hate the New York Giants because their wide receiver Salsa dances. What does ours do? Allegedly whip up on his mamma and forget how to run a route. Salsa dancing trumps issues with the law and issues with scoring touchdowns and YOU, Victor Cruz, make me jealous.

I hate the New York Giants because their quarterback was on SNL and their quarterback is Peyton Manning’s brother! The only thing Tony Romo has that is close to a brother is his brother in-law– a guy named Chase who happened to be shirtless on some sappy chick show called, “Gossip Girl!” Peyton Manning ANYTHING trumps all things ANYDAY and THAT makes me jealous.

I hate the New York Giants because their history of storied players includes a low-risk level one sex offender who couldn’t contain himself around an under-aged prostitute and another guy who left his pregnant wife so he could dork some blond side squish intern. Way to go, Lawrence Taylor and Tiki Barber.

I hate the New York Giants because of their head coach, Tom Coughlin. That guy looks like the snake-faced coach played by Jon Voight in the movie, “Varsity Blues.” I didn’t like THAT guy which makes me NOT like Coughlin. Besides, you don’t see the Cowboys’ coach with snake-face, do you?

I hate the New York Giants because they’re clumped in with the same franchises as the Knicks and the BROOKLYN Nets. Thanks to the Knicks, former players/punks John Starks and Latrell Sprewell called New York home AND there was a needless movie actually made back in 1996 called “Eddie” in which Whoopi Goldberg stars as a Knicks fan who wins a contest to coach the team… Really? Additionally, thank you, Brooklyn Nets. Because of YOU, the Mavericks were robbed of Deron Williams. I’m STILL reeling in the loss of that.

I hate the New York Giants because they have a Subway and all we have is the DART system–a bunch of buses and new train lines that don’t even connect conveniently the way I want them to! The ONLY saving grace is that we have Subway restaurants here in town and I really like the yellow and white cheese combinations on my sandwiches.

And finally…

I hate the New York Giants because their stadium serves buffalo mac & cheese and the famous Brooklyn’s Burgers (which you can find in the frozen section of your local friendly grocer.) Trust me, I know. Sure, we have Kobe steak burgers at Cowboys Stadium but come on!!! We’re talking buffalo mac & cheese here!! The only thing that would hurt me worse is if I found out that Metlife Stadium served little cardboard moats of Hamburger Helper beef stroganoff!

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