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Jasmine Hates The Baltimore Ravens

By Jasmine Sadry, 105.3 The Fan | CBSDFW.COM
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I hate the Baltimore Ravens because frankly, they have Ray Lewis and we don’t. I’m admitting to pure jealousy fueling my hate with this one.

I hate the Baltimore Ravens because of their stadium, M&T Bank Stadium. First of all, never trust anything with the letter “M” and the ampersand sign unless it’s followed by another letter “M” and it’s on the candy coated shell of a sphere of chocolate. Don’t ask me why this is. It’s just one of the unspoken rules of life. PLUS, the last time I checked, you couldn’t sit on a white leather sofa in your Victoria’s Secret Cowboys thong while stuffing your face with ice cream nachos at M&T Stadium.

I hate the Baltimore Ravens because their team name was inspired by a poem obviously named, “The Raven!” NOTHING says gridiron and grit like Edgar Alan Poe.

I hate the Baltimore Ravens because one of the brains behind “Abercrombie and Fitch” was born in their city. Thank you, David. T Abercrombie for inspiring the everyday fashion of future douchebags ranging from teenagers to guys suffering from a mid-life crisis. Because of YOU I have to see the overly tanned old guy stuff himself into one of your “athletic fit” t-shirts while doused in your over bearing cologne and bobbing his head to some Euro trance song from the band, Eiffel 65.

I hate the Baltimore Ravens because it’s been reported that some locals refer to their city as “Balamer.” They drop the “t’s” in their words. Who does that?? The traditional local accent has been noted and celebrated as “Baltimorese” or “Bawlmorese.” According to Wikipedia: Baltimoreans are also often asked to pronounce words like “to” and “do” as it’s said they pronounce it “tew” and “dew”. As a member of the Mid-Atlantic English dialect group, Baltimore’s dialect shares many characteristics with Philadelphia’s, such as the addition of an “eh” sound before a long “o”. First of all, anyone with a should knows that being told you share ANYTHING with Philly is not a compliment AND at the end of the day, it’s common knowledge from the entire human race that the dialect of “y’all” trumps ALL.

I hate the Baltimore Ravens because they share the same city with the pitching doucher known as Jim Palmer. So he was elected into the Baseball Hall of Fame… blah blah blah. You didn’t see Nolan Ryan posing in a toolish Jockey underwear ad ala Jim Palmer with his Nolan Ryan beef hanging out, did you?

I hate the Baltimore Ravens because in a study by Walk Score, their city ranked the 14th most walkable of the fifty largest American Cities. Frankly, I hate this out of pure jealousy because Dallas SUCKS in walkability factor unless you’re at Southlake Square, or the Shops at Legacy.

I hate the Baltimore Ravens because according to Amplicate.com, it is the closest thing to hell that anyone can experience on this earth. Their city’s transit system is so horrible that it made one poster write, and I quote, “it makes me want to floss myself to death with a razor wire.” Another poster added that there is an abundance of children in the city due to lack of birth control and “white trash” and that there is Heroin galore on every street corner; while one more poster said simply, “It’s hell on earth. I just moved away from there and still have nightmares.”

And…

I hate the Baltimore Ravens because their city is the largest seaport in the Mid-Atlantic. I hate seafood unless it involves a value meal that comes with hush puppies or if it’s fried and I can dip it in ketchup. Forget this tartar stuff mess.

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