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Jasmine Hates The Philadelphia Eagles

By Jasmine Sadry, 105.3 The Fan | CBSDFW.COM
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My weekly, “I hate the Cowboys Opponents Rant,” where my hate for the other team is rooted in highly non-sensical reasoning and the fact that I’ve generally never even stepped foot in most of the opposing team’s cities.

This week, my hate rant is courtesy of the Philadelphia Eagles.

Sure, I don’t like any opponent that faces my Dallas Cowboys. But, I mean, I truly hate this team with ever fiber of my being and will raise my future children to be fine, upstanding individuals in society by loathing them as well.

So without further ado….

I hate the Philadelphia Eagles because of Michael Vick. Let me start off by saying that I’m going to keep my highly non-FCC friendly comments at bay on this one. With that said, is it REALLY a shock that this putrid organization would welcome Michael Vick with open arms?

Only the Eagles would be okay with saying, “Hey! We welcome any and ALL sociopathic, wastes of skin and blood, worthless, human beings with sex boils who aren’t even man enough to take the blame for being a crappy quarterback!” Where do I even start with this guy!? Not only did he slaughter dogs INCLUDING HIS OWN FAMILY PET, but last week, Michael Vick cried like a little panty waist saying that the media was partly to blame in creating “a lot of turmoil” for the team and it’s hard for them to concentrate as a unit because of that. Yeah, it’s the MEDIA’S FAULT that you and your team suck!

He’s flipped off his own fan base, was indirectly involved in stealing a watch from an AIRPORT SECURITY SCREENER and, oh yeah, KNOWINGLY GAVE A CHICK AN STD because he’d hop around from clinic to clinic for treatment under the name, “Ron Mexico!”  So, way to go, Eagles! You are publicly endorsing dog killing, sissiness, stealing, and genital warts!

And speaking of genital warts….I hate the Philadelphia Eagles because of their fans.Ruthless, battery-throwing, imbeciles who actually boo Santa Claus and fight EACH OTHER.You have to be an absolute low-life to boo Santa Claus!

These people ARE the herpes sores on the junk of humanity. On the social tier system of likability amongst the general population, child molesters and murderers are actually ranked higher than the entire Philadelphia Eagles fan base. It’s a proven fact. Google it.

Here is some factual evidence as to why this fan base needs to be doused in nail polish remover, washed off in scalding hot water, and then fed to sharks.

For starters, the pin-headed behavior of Eagles’ fans during a Monday Night Football loss to the 49ers back in 1997 AND a 34-0 loss to the Cowboys in 1998 was SO bad that the city of Philadelphia had to actually assign a Municipal Court Judge (Seamus McCaffrey) to Veterans Stadium on game days to deal with these atrocious Eagles fans removed from the stands.

How about the fact that these monsters actually cheer on career ending injuries? On October 11th, 1999, Michael Irvin suffered a career-ending neck injury AT Veterans Stadium. What did these savages do? They CHEERED as he lay in a crumpled heap. Blockhead Eagles fans also pepper spray THEIR OWN TEAM!

Back in 2002, a fight broke out amongst Eagles and Redskins fans at FedEx Field during a Monday Night Football game with six and a half minutes left in the fourth quarter. Cops broke up the fight by using pepper spray, but the mist hit air blowers near the Eagles’ bench which affected THEIR OWN players, resulting in an eight minute delay of game.

Wretched Eagles fans also set mascots on fire! It’s rumored that they lit up a Redskins mascot and then soullessly cheered as they watched him go up in flames.

Eagles fans are also SO bad that they waste perfectly good beer! In 1989, not only did they throw ice balls at coaches, refs, players and BROADCASTERS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, these vile imps poured beer on people coming through the tunnel which forced the team to ban beer sales for their last home game of the season! Enough already! The Pentagon needs to have a database of actual, self-proclaimed Eagles fans on file and immediately line these sadists up for human sterilization. Together, we can break the cycle of procreation amongst these hellions…

I hate the Philadelphia Eagles because their city literally is what hell is probably like. Kill-adpelphia, if you will, once again tops the list of highest homicide rates in the nation. It’s a proven fact. Google it.

Additionally, If you go to the website, “Why I hate Philly,” there is a blogger, but we’ll call her a prisoner, named Krista. Poor Krista describes Philadelphia–an abyss of damnation where people still wear acid wash jeans and don’t know how to park. To quote her words: “Why do I live here if I hate it so much? I can’t afford to move. Yet. Until that glorious day comes when I can finally leave this wretched place, this is my sounding board.” In a twist of irony, where Philadelphia harbors the iconic symbol of freedom in the Liberty Bell, this poor captive actually has a count down clock on her website, counting down the day until she finally knows liberation. Props to you, Philadelphia Eagles, for single-handedly stealing any shred of hope left in one woman’s life…

I hate the Philadelphia Eagles because two of my favorite things in life come from their city: Boyz II Men and Tastykakes.

I hate the fact that this atrocious city gets to claim my first favorite boy band (before N’Sync of course) and delicious Tastykakes treats– like shaped sponge cake goodness infused with butterscotch icing known as “Krimpets” and “Kandy Kakes” with their chocolate enrobed cakes impregnated with peanut butter. I hate the fact that the Eagles get credited for my several bouts of demolishing whole boxes of Tasty Kakes while rocking back and forth and listening to “I’ll Make Love To You” on continuous loop in homage to my pig-out…

And finally…

I hate the Philadelphia Eagles because one of their city’s staple dishes is a deviant delicacy known as scrapple. But, after you look at the ingredients of what scrapple contains, it would only make sense for the boorish louts of Philadelphia to snarfle it down without thinking twice.

Behold, the ingredients of “scrapple” as stated by Wikipedia: “the internal organs of a butchered hog, such as the head, heart, liver, and other trimmings, which are boiled with any bones attached (often the entire head), to make a broth. Once cooked, bones and fat are discarded, the meat is reserved, and (dry) cornmeal is boiled in the broth to make a mush. The meat, finely minced, is returned to the pot and seasonings, typically sage, thyme, savory, black pepper, and others are added. The mush is formed into loaves and allowed to cool thoroughly until set.”

Of COURSE it would make sense that Eagles fans wouldn’t think twice about devouring something so warped and smiling with glee as the scrapple oozed from their fangs.

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