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Jasmine Hates The Cleveland Browns

By Jasmine Sadry, 105.3 The Fan | CBSDFW.COM
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My weekly, “I hate the Cowboys Opponents Rant,” where my hate for the other team is rooted in highly non-sensical reasoning and the fact that I’ve generally never even stepped foot in most of the opposing team’s cities.

This week, I’m coming after you, Cleveland Browns.

I hate the Cleveland Browns because of their name. Really? The BROWNS?!? THIS is the best you could come up with Cleveland? And of COURSE the city of Cleveland is going to use the whole excuse of “But the team was named after our first coach Paul Brown” to mask their moronic choice. Come on, Cleveland! If you were gonna just be lazy and throw open a box of Crayola crayons and pick a color, you should have at LEAST gone all out! How about the Cleveland Burnt Siennas? or the Cleveland Ceruleans!? Cerulean WAS always my favorite color…

I hate the Cleveland Browns because of their mascot, Chomps, and their fan base known as “The Dawg Pound.” The reasons I hate them? As an avid, borderline ridiculously fanatic dog lover, I HATE the fact that I can’t HATE their mascot or fan base!!!! I mean come on! A giant, brown dog in a football uniform and a bunch of people decked out in doggie paraphernalia from head-to-toe?? You’d have to be sadistic NOT to like that! Way to pull one on me, Cleveland Browns…

I hate the Cleveland Browns because it’s rumored that even people from New Jersey make fun of their city! You KNOW it’s bad when the citizens of a state riddled with prostitutes, dirty Mafia money, bad tans, chronically damaged hair, and higher auto insurance rates from lack of driving skills poke fun at YOUR city…

I hate the Cleveland Browns because their city is in the same state as the Columbus Blue Jackets. A really nasty girl I went to high school with (we’ll call her HoAnna) was infested with boils and it was a given that she would nail a couple of the Blue Jackets players when they came into town to face off against the Stars. I hated her. So, thank you, Cleveland Browns, for reminding me of how I would have to carry around anti-bacterial towelettes to wipe down any cafeteria seats that I even remotely suspected she sat in…

I hate the Cleveland Browns because for 10 years, they were singlehandedly responsible for the student debt YOU AND I are still paying off! From 2002 to 2012, a fella by the name of Randy Lerner owned the Browns. Sweet Mr. Lerner also happened to make a pretty penny off of his role as chairman of MBNA bank, known more commonly to us plebeians as the monsters that were responsible for the student issued credit cards that we STILL pay off today and STILL keep getting junk mail from. So thank you, Cleveland Browns. Because of YOU, I’m still paying off my bar tabs, late-night pizza binges, and books AND dealing with all the paper cuts from tearing up the constant credit card offers…

I hate the Cleveland Browns because their city is pointless in the bigger picture of aiding the country in being a better democracy; No identity. No championship rings. They bring nothing to the table. What do they have? The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and, oh yeah, a constant sports curse and a polluted river that caught on fire back in the late 60s! Even the Cuyahoga River was trying to end its misery of being attached to Cleveland by setting itself ablaze!! From my highly reliable Google researching sources, I’ve gathered the following information. The suckage quality of this city led the band, “The Presidents of the United States of America” to craft the song, “Cleveland Sucks.” Cleveland is called the “Mistake by the Lake” and is referred to in some geographical books as a “steaming pile.” If you visit the website WhyClevelandSucks.com an actual Clevelandite expresses his frustrations in JUST how bad his city is. He writes an open letter to the city of Cleveland simply pleading, “Stop Sucking.” Behold, an excerpt from his letter: “I grew up in the general Clevelandish area, in a god-awful place known as Northfield (yes, by the racetrack) and I used to defend the city vociferously. However, a few years away have taught me a few things and I have come to the conclusion that the city of Cleveland must stop sucking in order to be taken seriously.” Urban Dictionary.com defines the city of Cleveland as “the epitome of loserville” and a “lousy, old, run-down town.” Cleveland houses a highway, known as I-71, which from most all accounts is a sulfur stench gateway which eventually dumps off visitors into its grimy city streets. For godssakes!! Can you blame LeBron James for getting out of there as soon as the rescue helicopters showed up and threw down the rope ladder??

And finally…

I hate the Cleveland Browns because their city has a Polish Boy and we don’t. The polish boy is a sausage sandwich that consists of a link of grilled or deep fried kielbasa shoved in a bun, and smothered with a layer of french fries, then a layer of barbecue or hot sauce, and a finishing dollop of coleslaw. However, this is not to be confused with the Polish Girl, which adds pork shoulder into the mix. Tell me why a city, who is mired in tragic sports moments ala “The Drive,” “The Fumble,” and “The Move;” a city whose football team evokes the following comment from an actual self-proclaimed Browns fan (yes, there are those out there and they are actually WILLING participants in being so) “The name [Cleveland Browns] itself is synonymous with losing, ineptitude, and dips**t decision making. Yet, I still watch every week. Cause I’m a moron;” AND a city who proudly boasts the putrid Cleveland Indians as their baseball team and the horrendous Cleveland Cavaliers as their basketball team deserves to be rewarded with THIS heavenly sandwich!??!

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