Jasmine Hates The Washington Redskins
My weekly, “I hate the Cowboys Opponents Rant,” where my hate for the other team is rooted in highly non-sensical reasoning and the fact that I’ve generally never even stepped foot in most of the opposing team’s cities.
However, I’ve actually been to this horrific area. So, this week, I’m coming after you, Washington Redskins.
First things first…Two words. “Albert Haynesworth.” Sorry, I just had to get a good laugh before I start this off…
I hate the Washington Redskins because they stole the soul of RGIII. Sure, he was born in Japan, but RGIII is Texas’ truly begotten son, birthed in the manger that is Baylor’s Floyd Casey Stadium. Let it be known that all of us in Texas want better for you, RGIII.
I hate the Washington Redskins because of their douche-bag tight end simply known as Chris Cooley or “Captain Chaos.” Stupid. In an interview he did back in 2011, he said he had a great time watching Tony Romo throw three second half interceptions against the Lions. This tool said, “It’s so good. It’s amazing, amazing to watch him choke like that. It’s hilarious to watch him throw pick sixes, too, back-to-back. I loved it.” Later on in the same interview, this jackwagon also added that he would like to cage fight Tony and personally beat him. Size issues with your junk, Chris? Shut up. Shouldn’t you be worrying if you left your pottery kiln on in preparation for an upcoming craft show since one of your side jobs is being a potter? Maybe maintain your online eBay store where you sell your own autographed stuff? How about nailing the hot Redskins cheerleader you’re about to divorce? Or perhaps splitting time between your blog, “The Cooley Zone” or focusing more on your card collecting hobby, something you rediscovered while searching for YOUR OWN CARDS! He IS the Craftsman brand of tools. Top tier!
I hate the Washington Redskins because their coach Mike Shanahan hates you and doesn’t care about your fantasy football teams! I’m not sure where in the NFL coach’s handbook it actually lists a chapter on “How to Choose Your Starting Running Back Right Before the Coin Toss,” but apparently, Mike Shanahan has totally crafted this skill. And it’s more annoying especially if one of those guys is on your fantasy football team! Plus, the guy’s teeth bug the crap out of me and he looks like an angry tangerine with that constant scowl on his face.
I hate the Washington Redskins because of their awfully corny fight song. What team with ANY shame has THIS atrocious debacle as their fight song? Behold, “Hail to the Redskins,” which should in theory be changed to “Fail to the Redskins.”
I hate the Washington Redskins because I CAN’T hate their fans. The Hogettes are a group of twelve male Washington Redskins fans who don women’s dresses, garden party hats, and pig snouts for two reasons: to cheer on their team and to raise money for charity. UGH! I HATE the fact that I can’t HATE these fans for doing that! Now, if I were an Eagles fan, I would easily hate them because they raise money for charity. Everyone knows that Eagles fans hate anything good or charitable in life. Those trollish imps probably shun cancer awareness drives too. Sorry for the digressing. I really hate the Eagles and their fan base.
I hate the Washington Redskins because they directly made people lose jobs by running a giant mall out of town so they could use it for overflow parking 9 years after they got FedEx Field. Landover Mall was a large shopping mall from the 1970’s located across from what is now the present day site for FedEx Field, home of the Washington Redskins. In the 80’s, crime began to rise in the surrounding areas (most likely caused by actual Redskins fans) which made people scared to shop in that mall. The current FedEx Field (formerly Jack Kent Cooke Stadium) comes to town in 1997. Fast forward to 2006 when the abandoned mall was demolished and now FedEx Field uses the parking lot for overflow parking. Congratulations, Washington Redskins. Because of YOU, everyone is now forced to line up at food kitchens and shop at Sears because that’s the only free standing store left from what was Landover Mall.
Speaking of FedEx Field, I hate the Washington Redskins because of their stadium. How dare this team stand behind this stadium?? According to Yelp.com, one Redskins fan (by the name of Skintastic Sam) described his account: “The stadium-going experience at Fed Ex Field, for all of its exclusivity, definitely is flawed. The inside is old and beaten down. The congested concourses, as would be expected, are lined with shops that sell overpriced team merchandise that target spontaneous shoppers. The only thing that breaks the monotony of these shops is the food stalls that sell woefully unappetizing food at obscene prices. However, facing lunchtime and a policy that bans food from being brought into the stadium, I ordered a cheese steak at a Greene Turtle Bar & Grille stall on the club level concourse that was simply one of the worst things of any kind that I have ever eaten in my life. Surely, even the Travel Channel’s Andrew Zimmern, putting on his bravest face, would rather have been flogged or forced to eat a whole durian (exotic fruit with a putrid odor) than consume what I did. And, while there is a certain gladiatorial splendor to the playing field, watching a game from the stands, like the food, isn’t very pleasant either. I sat in section 317 on the second deck (at an angle to the end zone) and spent extended periods of the game with a strained view of the action. The players on the field looked no bigger than the size of grasshoppers. Boo, FedEd Field.”
I hate the Washington Redskins because they ruined my internship stint in DC back in 1998. I roomed with an obnoxious Redskins fan who actually draped a woven blanket with the Redskins logo over her bunk bed area like a curtain and had a really bizarre crush on then head coach Norv Turner. Weird, I know. One night, brought back a guy she met and I had to listen to them awkwardly get busy behind that “curtain” while I just lay on the top bunk. Two observations from that night: 1) Redskins fans make bizarre oinky sounds while copulating and 2) It’s a good thing the whole Monica Lewinsky/Bill Clinton/Blue Gap Dress/Cigar fiasco is going on right now because on a side note, that IS pretty awesome.
I hate the Washington Redskins because their area (Landover, Maryland/Ashburn, Virginia) gets to claim JC Chasez formerly a Mousketeer AND member of the band NSYNC, who hails from Bowie, Maryland. According to my NSYNC posters, pillows, T-shirts, key chains, bumper stickers, and current catalog in my iPod, that’s just not fair…
I hate the Washington Redskins because their city is within 30 minutes of a KNOWN skank. Google it. It’s proven. Landover, Md. is 31 miles away from a city called Tysons Corner, Va. A whore that I used to go to high school with stole money from my parents and ended up fleeing in her 1996 Ford Probe to Tysons Corner where she became a staple slut bucket on Craigslist. So, thank you, Washington Redskins, for harboring such a deplorable human being who did the disservice of having sex with the citizens of Tysons Corner and pretty much every county of every state within close proximity.
I hate the Washington Redskins because their city doesn’t support good cuisine or ANY cuisine for that fact. When you Google search “food indigenous to Landover, MD or Washington D.C.,” NOTHING pulls up. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Only soulless cities don’t have a staple food or at the VERY least a local fast food joint that’s heavily touted!
Based on the highly credible, preceding points I’ve just stated (I’d like to refer to them as Exhibits A-Z), it’s obvious that my hate for the Redskins is absolutely justifiable…
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