Fantasy Football Follies

(credit: Jackie Gonzalez)

“Let’s go to Bob in Peoria, you’re on the air on Real
SportsTalk USA.”
“Yeah, can you tell me? Who should I start this week? Jason Witten or …”
“Hold it, Bob, stop right there! You should know by now. We don’t do fantasy football on Real SportsTalk USA! We only do real sports here!”

It’s been the bane of radio sports talk show hosts going on two decades now. And through the years, I’ve fallen right in line with “real sports” talk show hosts. Nobody wants to hear about your fantasy football teams!

So, being a smug, arrogant member of the media, I’ve never as much as even considered dozens of offers through the years to join fantasy sports leagues. Why do I need to do that? I keep up with all the players anyway. It’s my job!

At two separate times on two different radio stations just yesterday, I listened to two highly respected national sports radio hosts express their utter disdain for fantasy football.

“It takes away from the integrity of the sports
watching experience.”
“Instead of rooting for a team, fans are now pulling for their own fantasy team players.”

Yadadadadada…on and on they blabber.

I hate to admit it. I was one of them.

But now, I’m a new man! My outlook on life has taken on a new dimension. As of this week, for the first time ever, I am a Fantasy Football League Team Owner!

In fact, I own TWO teams! And I’m loving every minute of it. I don’t think I’ve ever had this much anticipation for the start of a new NFL season.

Ever since my simultaneous fantasy drafts on Tuesday night (can we not schedule these things at separate times?), I’ve been consumed by thoughts on how to improve the Barry Switzers of the CBSDFW and “Martes at Joe’s” leagues.

(credit: Jackie Gonzalez)

I wake up in the middle of the night with thoughts of putting in a waiver claim on Patriots rookie tight end Zach Sudfeld.

I’m the Jimmy Johnson of my leagues, making six free agent signings, five waiver claims, and three trades in three days. I’m taking flyers on hot young commodities like Quentin Patton, Vincent Brown, Alshon Jeffery, Christine Michael, and Tyler Eifert.

This is an attempt to atone for being left with only two wide receivers, four quarterbacks, and three kickers on my 15 man roster on CBSDFW Draft night. This is what happens when you have two simultaneous drafts, and you leave one of them on automatic pilot.

I wanted to claim Broncos TE Julius Thomas on Wednesday, but our CBSDFW commissioner didn’t open the waiver process until Friday, after Orange Julius went for 28 points in a rousing 5 catch, 110 yard, 2 TD debut Thursday. Now he’s the hottest player out there. I’ll never get him! Where’s Roger Goodell when you need him?

I already pulled off a trade of monumental proportions. This is a blockbuster deal that, if made in the real world, would have “real sports” talk show hosts yakking for weeks. I sent my backup QB Matthew Stafford (yes, backup QB!) to the Disrespectful Little Peasants in exchange for RG3. That has produced another sleepless night dilemma: Who do I start at QB this week? RG3 or Drew Brees?

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’m having fun doing it.

I know. I know. You don’t want to hear about my fantasy football teams. However, in case you have some advice, phone lines are now open: @CBS11BillJones on Twitter.

Steve Dennis (Dennis Ding Dongs) has been playing fantasy football for 30 years and says he’s going to kick all our butts in the CBSDFW league. He takes this seriously. Gina Miller does not. She didn’t realize it until Friday, but her team (Inarajan High Govs) has Peyton Manning and already has a 60-15 lead over Ben & Skin Show after Thursday’s game.

Clearly, the Barry Switzers have their work cut out for them and plenty of sleepless nights ahead, but we are up to this Fantasy Football challenge!

“We’ve got a job to do, and we’re going to do it, baaabbbbyyyyyyy!!!”

2013 Barry Switzers
CBSDFW League

QB: Drew Brees

QB: Robert Griffin III

QB: E. J. Manuel

RB: Alfred Morris

RB: C. J. Spiller

RB: DeMarco Murray

WR: Pierre Garçon

WR: Tavon Austin

WR: Vincent Brown