On Tuesday’s show, I mentioned that I’m not buying Patricia Arquette’s new character on HBO’s Boardwalk Empire because there is no way that lead character/prohibition era playboy Nucky Thompson would pursue her.
Look, she’s not exactly on top of her game right now to put it nicely, and he typically only courts supermodel-grade ladies on the show and she looks way too much like Gary Busey. In the interest of balancing things out, the conversation soon ended up on the eye-pleasing greatness of Gretchen Mol’s character on the show.
Long story short, I promised to use my Jedi level TV creeper expertise to comprise a definitive list of the sexiest women currently starring on television shows. In the interest of keeping it sports, I’ve comprised a 5-lady starting pitching rotation that could take down any five you can comprise.
#5 34-year-old Nadine Velazquez: Sofia “The League”
Though she is only a small role player on The League (a show about a bunch of dudes who are obsessed with fantasy football) her contributions are quite memorable.
Narrowly defeating Kerry Washington from Scandal (long relief), Deborah Ann Woll from True Blood (closer), and Katie Mixon from Eastbound and Down (short yardage/goal line back in football), Velazquez gets the nod for my 5th starter spot due to the fact that her character puts up with ridiculous fantasy football shenanigans by day, and prances around in expensive lingerie by night. That juxtaposition deserves cool points.
Velazquez is somewhat unknown, so I consider her a dark horse rookie of sorts on this list. Thus the Martin Perez-like #5 spot in my rotation. Her upside is through the roof, but if I’ve misdiagnosed her promise, I can always send her back to the minors.
#4 41-year-old Sofia Vergara: Gloria Delgado-Pritchett “Modern Family”
Vergara has the most star power of any name on my list by far. The fact that she’s holding down the #4 spot in the rotation speaks volumes about the strength of the other three. She’s gorgeous, curvaceous and hilarious. Her character on Modern Family torments Phil Dunphy’s eyeballs in the most awesome of ways and her sexy accent makes her one of the most magically special things your television has to offer you.
I’m not the fan of her show that I once was, or perhaps she’d be higher in the rotation. But she’s the true veteran leader of my staff and always delivers regardless of the situation. Most squads would be happy to have her as their ace, but at 41 we’re monitoring her innings closely and making sure she’s fresh for the playoffs.
#3 40-year-old Gretchen Mol: Gillian Darmody “Boardwalk Empire”
She’s come a long way since being Matt Damon’s disapproving girlfriend in Rounders back in 1998. In Boardwalk Empire, she is somehow equally classy and disgustingly scandalous all at the same time. Her character is a grandma on the show, but don’t get it twisted. She had that bambino at a very young age and it doesn’t slow her down in the least.
Her character is a graceful drug addict/prostitute/murderer. That’s not an easy combination platter to pull off — so cheers Gretta. However, that kind of killer instinct is exactly why you want her in your playoff rotation. Her curveball is as deceptive as they come and her fastball will hit you between the eyes and end your career. Her unique brand of nefarious granny candy makes her one of the most intriguing characters on TV.
#2 33-year-old Olivia Munn: Sloan Sabbith “The Newsroom”
The Newsroom can get a bit wordy at times for a C student like me, but Sloan Sabbith’s on screen presence creates stop down television each and every time her awesomeness graces the screen. She rocks a naughty librarian type vibe as the Senior Financial Reporter on the show, and ah… it works. By the way, I only remember librarians being elderly women with facial moles and grudges. I never encountered any naughtiness… just visible disappointment and judgment.
Olivia Munn is a Yu Darvish type. She might already be the best in the game in terms of raw talent, but in a way she’s only just getting started and the future is somehow even brighter than the present. Even in the age of eBook technology, her library would be packed like a sports bar. She’s a star on the rise and must-watch sexiness for your TV-watching eyeballs.
#1 35-year-old January Jones: Betty Draper “Mad Men”
Betty Draper is a straight stunner, son. Although her character is somewhat boring (with a hint of a Stepford wife robot programming), her classic blonde bombshell look is cash money in the bank. She doesn’t have to talk to rule the screen. She just has to stand there and be magnificent. She is to blondes what Mercedes is to sedans.
Don Draper has been dabbling in the 8+ 1-10 range since he was old enough to boogie. He only rolls with the finest of fine that planet Earth has to offer, and Betty was the primary 200+ innings ace of his staff on a massive multi-year marriage contract (until recently released, only to be brought back later as a closer while visiting Bobby at Summer Camp).
The point is this: Don’s world class Hugh Hefner search criteria only supports Betty’s case as the hottest number on the idiot box. If Jon Hamm hooked up with Patricia Arquette on an episode of Mad Men, the Internet would explode in a shark jump rampage.
At times her character has bumped up a weight class — but don’t kid yourself — she’s back to her playing weight now and is clearly the ace of a Mad Men pitching staff that includes other top-flight talents such as Christina Hendricks and Jessica Pare.
She is the girl next door. She is America. She is all that is right in the world. She is gloriousness. She is perfection. She is Clayton Kershaw. She is the ace of aces.
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