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TALE OF THE TAPE

Tale Of The Tape: Colin Kaepernick Vs. Overpowered Video Game QB

Colin Kaepernick
Video Game QB
Divisional Playoffs - Green Bay Packers v San Franciso 49ers
NFL Hall of Fame quarterback Joe Montana
Rating in Madden ‘13?
80. Wait, what? 80? Come on, EA Sports. You gotta get with the program.
Winner 99, because you’re a cheater! YOU’RE A DAMN, DIRTY CHEATER!
Better Name?
While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
Winner Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
College?
Winner While he doesn’t have an All-American superhero name like Joe Montana or Johnny Unitas, he does has a diphthong in his name, and that’s worth a few points.
Well, you get to name him, so he’s probably “Flex Strongarm” or “Jack-Rage Laserpunch.” And unrealistic as those are...there’s no arguing with them.
Most Impressive Performance?
Winner In his first playoff game Kaepernick put up 263 and 181 rushing yards, which was not only the most rushing yards a quarterback has ever gotten in a game (playoff or otherwise), but he also set a postseason rushing record for the 49ers regardless of position.
It doesn’t matter what you did in your video game. It’s not as impressive.
Upside?
Winner All indications suggest that Kaepernick should be a reliable and entertaining quarterback for a number of years, pending any unforeseen circumstances.
While your video game quarterback will provide hours of entertainment in the next calendar year, he will be a fossil by the time Madden ‘14 comes out.
Has an Awesome Pet?
Winner When Kaepernick was 10, he got a tortoise named Sammy. That tortoise is now 115 POUNDS! AWWW HOW COOL IS THAT!?
No.

The Winner Is

Divisional Playoffs - Green Bay Packers v San Franciso 49ers
Winner Colin Kaepernick
4 out of 6

The Verdict? Colin Kaepernick, 4-2! Let’s see if he can keep this mojo going in the playoffs!

MORE TALES OF THE TAPE

  1. GLENDALE, AZ - DECEMBER 04:  Quarterback Carson Palmer #3 of the Arizona Cardinals throws a pass against the Washington Redskins during the first quarter of a game at University of Phoenix Stadium on December 4, 2016 in Glendale, Arizona.  The Cardinals defeated the Redskins 31-23. (Photo by Ralph Freso/Getty Images) BALTIMORE, MD - DECEMBER 4: Quarterback Ryan Tannehill #17 of the Miami Dolphins drops back while teammate offensive guard Laremy Tunsil #67 blocks against the Baltimore Ravens in the second quarter at M&T Bank Stadium on December 4, 2016 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)
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  2. GLENDALE, AZ - DECEMBER 04:  Kirk Cousins #8 of the Washington Redskins throws the ball up field just before getting hit by Chandler Jones #55 of the Arizona Cardinals during the third quarter at University of Phoenix Stadium on December 4, 2016 in Glendale, Arizona. Cardinals won 31-23.  (Photo by Norm Hall/Getty Images) CINCINNATI, OH - DECEMBER 4:  Carson Wentz #11 of the Philadelphia Eagles throws a pass during the third quarter of the game against the Cincinnati Bengals at Paul Brown Stadium on December 4, 2016 in Cincinnati, Ohio. (Photo by Gregory Shamus/Getty Images)
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  3. NEW ORLEANS, LA - DECEMBER 04:  Drew Brees #9 of the New Orleans Saints warms up during pregame against the Detroit Lions at Mercedes-Benz Superdome on December 4, 2016 in New Orleans, Louisiana.  (Photo by Sean Gardner/Getty Images) SAN DIEGO, CA - DECEMBER 04:  Jameis Winston #3 of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers throws against the San Diego Chargers during the first half at Qualcomm Stadium on December 4, 2016 in San Diego, California.  (Photo by Sean M. Haffey/Getty Images)
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