TALE OF THE TAPE

Tale Of The Tape: Team Owner’s Wife Vs. Team Owner’s Mistress

As the owner of a sports franchise, you probably have a lot of money, not to mention the many other trappings of wealth. That list — in case you’re interested in becoming a team owner, but haven’t quite saved up enough — might include big houses, fancy cars and what we’ll call an overabundance of willing partners. After all, you’re loaded. It’s very easy to turn temptation into reality, as centuries of scandal have taught us. It’s also very likely you’ll get caught, as centuries of scandal have also taught us. So at some point you’ll be faced with one inevitable question: wife or mistress? The choice you make will change your life.

Team Owner's Wife
Team Owner's Mistress
OAKLAND, CA - APRIL 27: Shelly Sterling, the wife of Donald Sterling owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, watches the Clippers against the Golden State Warriors in Game Four of the Western Conference Quarterfinals during the 2014 NBA Playoffs at ORACLE Arena on April 27, 2014 in Oakland, California. The players wore theirs warm up this way in protest of owner Donald Sterling's racially insensitive remarks.
SAN ANTONIO, TX - MAY 19: (2nd L) Team owner Donald Sterling of the Los Angeles Clippers and V. Stiviano watch the San Antonio Spurs play against the Memphis Grizzlies during Game One of the Western Conference Finals of the 2013 NBA Playoffs at AT&T Center on May 19, 2013 in San Antonio, Texas.
(Credit: Thearon W. Henderson/Getty Images)
(Credit: Ronald Martinez/Getty Images)
Loyalty
Winner She married you for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part. We'll ignore the poorer part, because really, who ever heard of a poor team owner? The rest of it, though, means she's in it for the long haul.
She knows you're rich, and married. And while she may say she loves you for your heart or your blue eyes or your witty sense of humor, she loves you for your money. Besides, 25-year-old women don't fall for 70-year-old men unless they have serious daddy issues.
Privacy
Winner Your life is her life; her life is your life. She has a vested interest in preserving the status quo and whatever privacy that entails. Unless you breach her trust, by, say, I don't know, taking a mistress.
She could secretly record your racist lunatic rant and release it for all the world to hear. The league will then ban you from all future games and force you to sell the team.
Fame
Winner Outside of fans of your team and possibly fans of the sport, no one really knows who you are. As far as society is concerned, you're just another rich guy. That's a good way to live, and your wife knows it too. So things will stay as they are unless you do something stupid…
…like take a mistress who records your phone calls and releases them on the web. Then your life will become a national scandal (and personal nightmare) that just won't die. Fame/Infamy are two sides of the same coin.
Money
Be prepared to give away half of everything you own. Since you're weighing the pros and cons of taking a mistress and all, this seems like a very real possibility.
Winner You'll be forced to sell your team. But given how much revenue and profit pro sports franchises generate these days, the team will be worth piles and piles of cash. So oddly enough, taking a mistress will probably work out well for your bank account.

The Winner Is

OAKLAND, CA - APRIL 27: Shelly Sterling, the wife of Donald Sterling owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, watches the Clippers against the Golden State Warriors in Game Four of the Western Conference Quarterfinals during the 2014 NBA Playoffs at ORACLE Arena on April 27, 2014 in Oakland, California. The players wore theirs warm up this way in protest of owner Donald Sterling's racially insensitive remarks.
Winner Team Owner's Wife
3 out of 4

Yeah, we saw that coming. Nevertheless, it's a valuable lesson for all you budding professional sports franchise owners out there.

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