DALLAS (105.3 THE FAN) Leading off my “Jock Itch” for Today: Michael Jordan is FRIGGIN rich! I mean, disgustingly, grossly, you wanna throw up worms kinda rich!

There’s actually a breakdown of JUST how rich MJ is, thanks to a bunch of nerds who took a ton of different scenarios and numbers and threw them together to make a “Chuck Norris-esque” list.

Behold, the results. I’m warning you that it’s pretty sick.

MJ is retired with $40 million in endorsements, making $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 grand every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it’ll cost him 7 bucks but he’ll make $18,550 while he’s there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he’ll make $618 bucks while boiling it.

He’ll make $3,710 while watching 1 episode of “Friends.”

He’ll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed, $33,390 for that round.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you’d be living comfortably at 65k a year.

He’ll make about $19,600 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. Again, by JUST watching.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9,500 at 8:30 AM on January 1st. (WHO thinks of this!?!?)

While the common person is spending about 20 bucks for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he’ll pull in about $5,600.

He makes $7,415 an hour MORE than minimum wage

This year, he’ll make more than twice as much as ALL of the past U.S. presidents for all of their terms combined.

If he wanted to save up for a new Mercedes Maybach 57S ($356,000) it would take him a whole 2 days to do it.

BUT… if he saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he’ll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

What did you expect? The nerds HAD to defend their Gigabyte Jesus! www.terezowens.com

And in OTHER “itch” worthy news…

Kobe Bryant was popped with a $100,000 dollar fine from the NBA after calling referee, Bennie Adams, an anti-gay slur that may or may not have sounded like “F*****g F****t!” and also said that his outburst was “stupid and ignorant.”

Well, the apology train hasn’t stopped at the final depot yet, because NOW Kobe is on a campaign to completely abolish the F****t word!

Seriously, Kobe?

“It’s about getting that message out there man, to kill that word,” he said. “Just don’t use it, just don’t use it. And hopefully others can learn from the situation that occurred and just knock that word out completely.”

In completely non-coincidental news WHATSOEVER (please note sarcasm) it was announced last week that the Lakers and the NBA have partnered with GLAAD to address anti-gay slurs in basketball. www.huffingtonpost.com

Reds’ pitcher Mike Leake was busted and accused of theft at a Macy’s department store!

Now, I know you’re thinking, what in the world kind of fun, expensive thing did he try to make off with that would be worth jeopardizing his “career?”

Try, t-shirts worth a total of about $59.88.

Mike! You make $425,000 in your 2nd season in the majors!! What are you stealing t-shirts for??

Anyway, police arrest reports say that Mike actually went to the extent of removing the price tags from six “American Rag” brand t-shirts and tried to leave the store without paying for them!

To many of the people in Cincy, he’s seen as a bust in the making

So far in 2011, Mike has been all over the place, at 2-0 with a 5.40 ERA. He’s got two quality starts with a horrendous outing sandwiched in between.

At this point, the police may wanna also arrest him for stealing the Reds’ money too by being on the roster. www.news.cincinnati.com

Arkansas quarterback and proclaimed “Caucasian streetguy,” Ryan Mallet has officially admitted to using drugs.

He’s thought to have the best arm in the draft, but he’s also facing quite some obstacles trying to gain the approval of NFL teams. There have been some SERIOUS character issues with Ryan, in fact SO bad, that he’s being compared to another bad Ryan… Leaf. (That’s thanks to former Ravens coach Brian Billick.)

Yikes! It’s never a good day to get mistaken for THAT guy…

Anyway, Ryan admitted that he was immature in college, partying and doing drugs.

WHAT?!!? WHAT A SHOCK!?!? A college football QUARTERBACK partying, doing drugs, and what next??? He was actually having SEX too?!?! www.profootballweekly.com

Auburn darling, Cam Newton, was on ESPN’s classroom-themed “Gruden’s QB Camp,” and Jon Gruden really put him on the spot in a VERY awkward way!

Gruden tries to show Cam just how different an NFL offense will be from the one he was used to running at Auburn.

Gruden starts off and says, “You know, some of this verbiage in the NFL, I don’t know how it was at Auburn, but it’s — it’s long.  You’ve got the shifts, the plays, the protections, the snap count, the alert, the check-with-mes,” all the while, snapping his fingers after listing each element of an NFL play call.

Gruden’s rattling off doesn’t stop there:  “I mean, flip right, double-X, Jet, 36 counter, naked waggle, X-7, X-quarter.”  As Gruden was firing off that play, Cam awkwardly shook his head and smiled, as if he’d never head before anything like that, ever.

And it continues to get better…

Then Gruden REALLY pounced.

“Call something at Auburn that’s a little verbal,” Gruden said, obviously knowing the answer to the question.  “What would be a little verbal?  Any recollection on that?

Insert Cam:  “Um.”

“Gimme something,” Gruden said.  “What’s an Auburn play sound like?”

Cam nervously: “I mean, you’re putting me on the — on the spot.”

Having already proven his point, Gruden then tried to give Cam a “phone a friend” or “lifeline” moment, saying, “You guys don’t get in the huddle much though, right?”

Cam completely welcomed that one, saying  “We really don’t. And our method is ‘simplistic equals fast.’  It’s so simple as far as, you look to the sideline [and] you see 36 on the board.  And that’s a play.  And we’re off.”

Gruden then pushed just ONE more time: “Let me make this point, though. The number one challenge you’re gonna have right away is the verbiage.  And just getting comfortable with what we’re calling formations, what we’re calling routes.  The alerts.  The language.  Speaking the language.  You’re gonna move to France, and you’re gonna have to speak French, pretty quick.  And that’ll be one of the big challenges immediately that you have because you haven’t been in a lot of these huddles, have you?”

Yikes. Cam, get a copy of “French for Dummies”or a Rosetta Stone CD STAT!

To watch the awkwardness for yourself, click here:  www.sportsbybrooks.com

Alabama recruit, Brent Calloway’s step-dad says: Thank you, Bama because my mortgage has been paid off for 15 years!

Auburnsports.com reported allegations that suggested NCAA violations MAY have occurred during Brent’s recruitment and these allegations include:

– Before Brent’s last trip to Alabama before Signing Day, the “supporter” is alleged to have made cash payments to Harland “Peaches” Winston, Brent’s adoptive father.

–  Brent received $2,500 grand from the “supporter” on at least one occasion.

And in addition to the aforementioned payment, Brent was also behind on his house mortgage, but made cash payments to catch up and then asked how much it would be to pay off the mortgage.

This alleged “supporter” was later identified by the TUSCALOOSA NEWS as a Bama football fan by the name of Darren Woodruff. (Darren also owns the Muscle Shoals, Alabama-based company Petrochem.)

Of course, “Peaches” and Darren denied that ANYthing improper was going on during Bren’t recruitment and “Peaches,” even said, “My mortgage has been paid off for 15 years!”

Gee. I wonder how! Maybe because an official Franklin County, Alabama, Probate Office public document may suggest otherwise?

Check THIS out: after observing Brent’s stellar 2008 season as a sophomore running back for Russellville, Alabama coach Nick Saban offered him a scholarship in June, 2009 – just before Brent suited up for his junior season.

Franklin County Probate Judge Moore noted that “Peaches,” mortgage payment was made in full, via First Metro Bank of Muscle Shoals, on Sept. 9, 2009.

Uh, oh. You may have wanted to bury THAT evidence there, “Peaches.” 

For sake of my journalistic “ethics,” I guess I should also report that on April 9, 2011, TUSCALOOSA NEWS reported that the University of Alabama’s NCAA rules compliance department had investigated the allegations against “Peaches” and Darren and concluded that no improper NCAA shenanigans had taken place.

Sure. www.auburnsports.com

Speaking of football prospects, this one has to be just about one of the most blatantly stupid ones out there.

Deion Bonner is a highly regarded cornerback from Georgia who’s getting looked at by schools like Miami (FL), Bama, and USC. Well, he’s now being charged (along with two other youngsters) for stealing iPods and iPads from Georgia football lockers during an unofficial recruiting trip. Estimated value: $1,300.

Are you just stupid!?!? What are you doing, Deion??

He and the two other suspects ended up turning themselves in and are no longer part of their high school football team.

Good thing they stole two things that are capable of downloading a nice football playing app… www.rivals.yahoo.com

Big Ben wants MORE rings than Joe Montana AND Terry Bradshaw!

The two Super Bowl rings that he already owns didn’t quite soothe the pain of losing his shot at a third, so he wants to go down as the quarterback with THE most championship rings EVER!

Ben said, “I want to get one more than anybody else. This would have been a great step, but now I feel I took a step back. This will haunt me until I can win another one. And it’ll still probably haunt me a little bit. But until I win another one, it’ll haunt me a lot.”

At four Super Bowl rings a piece, Joe and Terry are the league’s leaders in the quarterbacks’ club with that many pieces of jewelry!

On a side note, Terry did write in one of his many books that the fear of losing a Super Bowl drove him more than the actual desire to win one!

On another side note, Terry is also known to be bats***t crazy too… www.post-gazette.com

And finally…

It’s down to just TWO players standing for the honor of being on the cover of the new Madden 12 video game!

In one corner you have Browns running back Peyton Hillis and in the other corner, Eagles quarterback, Michael Vick. They’ve both advanced to the championship round of the Madden tournament by defeating Vikings’ running back, Adrian Peterson and Packers’ quarterback, Aaron Rodgers.

Now, just a little background info on our sweet little contenders: Peyton had serious issues in Denverwith Coach Josh McDaniels, among them, rumors that he was flirting up Coach’s OWN WIFE and THAT’S why his behind got shipped off to Cleveland! (Although, the organization guised the whole move as just simply that it was Denver’s offense that was collapsing with Peyton seeing no significant playing time either and that things between Peyton and Coach were “friendly!”)

Um, okay.

And Michael Vick, well…..there ya have it.

For the first time in my life, I can confidently say that I want Mike to win this one.

Can someone say, Madden cover curse? www.terezowens.com

And THAT’S my “Jock Itch!”