Facial Profiling The NFL Draft
DALLAS (CBSDFW.COM) – Save your money. Strait-jackets have been ordered, psych tests conducted. My own family questions my sanity and I had to pay CBSDFW.COM to have them post this. I don’t care.
What i’m about to unveil is a revolutionary way to save jobs and avoid mistakes when it comes to my favorite event in sports- the NFL Draft.
I have always believed there are facial characteristics that can explain who and what people are. This doesn’t apply to everyone, but it does for many.
Jay Cutler is a moody punk…just look at his face; never smiling, always pouting and looks like the definition of a sarcastic jackass. I love watching Cutler play. His arm and maverick style make me a bigger fan of him than most. The talent is there, the intangibles are not.
My FP target last year was Arkansas QB Ryan Mallet. I’m not handing over the most important position in sports to a sly, Kevin Federline look-a-like. The sweatshirt in New England obviously disagrees.
As seen in Cutler’s case, the facial profile has NOTHING to do with ability. This is about character, choosing the right kind of guy (that sound you heard was the Bengals throwing this in the trash). If your NFL team is torn between two safeties with their top 10 draft pick, this should make the decision for them. The face of Randy Moss told us he would be a problem. That doesn’t mean your team shouldn’t deal with the headache in exchange for all-time great numbers. Just consider this your warning label when you decide to choose talent>character.
It has been said there are three segments of an locker room: Leaders, those who resist leadership and those in between that can be swayed to either side. The facial profile is divided into those three categories. Now is a good time to point out that even though I LOVE the draft, i’m not obsessed with college football. I haven’t cheated by investigating the rap-sheets or merit badges of these players. This is simply about a face telling a story.
Justin Blackmon-Ok State WR:
Facial Profile: Temperamental, angry, capable of exploding. Doesn’t look like the sharpest guy, which isn’t necessary to catch a fade route but don’t be surprised if there’s trouble. He’s supposed to be the stud WR of this draft. His face tells a different story.
Kendall Wright-Baylor WR:
Facial Profile: Looks lazy and doesn’t look hungry- BECAUSE HE’S ALWAYS EATING!! After noticing his second chin, it wasn’t surprising to find out he ran a 4.6 forty at the combine WITH 16% body fat!!!! Pro Football Weekly lists that as one of the highest for a WR in the past decade.
Quinton Coples-North Carolina DE:
Facial Profile: The eyes tell the story. He looks aloof and lackadaisical, no hunger or drive. It wouldn’t surprise me to hear questions about effort/motor throughout his entire career.
Janoris Jenkins-North Alabama CB:
Facial Profile: I can’t pretend I don’t already know that Janoris is Antonio Cromartie Jr (6 kids with 3 different women). Still, look at his face. He looks like the class clown who doesn’t take anything seriously-especially condoms.
Jared Crick- Nebraska DT:
Facial Profile: 2 words- MEAT HEAD. Can’t you picture this guy crushing beer cans on his head in the nearby frat house?? (Disclaimer: this may not matter for his position. It didn’t for Billy Bob in Varsity Blues).-
Mike Adams-Ohio State OT:
Facial Profile: I would NEVER trust him to protect my franchise quarterback. Check out his pics- he’s never serious and always has a sly/sketchy look to him.
Dontari Poe-Memphis DT :
Facial Profile: He looks like a teddy bear, not a defensive lineman. I don’t see any intensity or anger in his face. I’d pay for him as a stuffed animal, not a top 20 investment.
Dre Kirkpatrick-Alabama CB:
Facial Profile: I could have used his mugshot but that would be too easy. It’s not the dreads or the rap sheet, it’s the attitude written ALL OVER. Again, this was a gimme.
Alshon Jeffery- South Carolina WR:
Facial Profile: Has a grumpy, malcontent exterior.
RG3- Baylor QB:
Facial Profile: I’m a Redskins fan so this PAINS me to write but i’m a little worried.
There is a very slick demeanor that I fear has pushed him from confidence to cocky. His smile is almost too good to be true. It didn’t surprise me when an NFL scout wrote “He’s got a little bit of a selfish streak, too. Everybody was laying on Cam, but for some reason this guy has become gloves off. He doesn’t treat anybody good.” My biggest cringe moment came when Jon Gruden asked him about the sleeve on his left arm during his FFCA QB camp. Griffin’s response? “Party on the left, business on the right.” And he wasn’t joking….. Uggh.
I still want the Redskins to draft him, but i’m starting to see his face in a different light.
High Character Guys- I’m not predicting Pro Bowls, but they’ll stay off police blotters.
Fletcher Cox- Miss St DL:
Facial Profile: Look at this guy!! He looks over the top likable. He’s smiling all the time and seems to have the right personality to fit anywhere.
Melvin Ingram- South Carolina DL:
Facial Profile: I LOVE Ingram. He looks like a winner with the perfect blend of business and fun.
Stephon Gilmore- South Carolina CB:
Facial Profile: Like everyone else that covers the draft, i’m sipping the Kool-Aid. There’s something about this kid that screams hard worker.
Morris Claiborne- LSU CB:
Facial Profile- He looks sharp, very serious. Easily mistaken for a 10 year vet.
Marvin Jones- California WR:
Facial Profile: I have no idea if he can play but if he can, I bet he can build a campfire at the same time.
Whitney Mercilus- Illinois DL :
Facial Profile: Million dollar smile. Looks like an easy going guy (not best defensive characteristic), but i’ll bet on him as a calming presence for your team.
David Wilson- Virginia Tech RB:
Facial Profile: My highest rated prospect. Looks like the All-American kid. If he can run the rock on the next level, endorsements will come flooding in.
Stephen Hill-Georgia Tech WR:
Facial Profile: He has the right kind of swagger.
Markelle Martin- OK State Safety:
Facial Profile: May be too timid, but i’d let him date my daughter.
Bobby Wagner- Utah State LB:
Facial Profile: Ladies and gentleman, your 2012 Facial Profile Prom King!
Zebrie Sanders- Florida State Tackle:
Facial Profile: He looks reserved but with an edge. I like that mentality for a lineman.
The Swayers: I’m not sure which way to lean on these guys:
Mark Barron- Alabama Safety:
Facial Profile: He was a defensive captain and Nick Saban swears by his leadership. I just don’t see it on his face. He doesn’t look vocal (I know that sounds nuts) but may lead by example like former Redskin safety Sean Taylor.
Dont’a Hightower- Alabama LB:
Facial Profile: He looks like a grump, but he could just be nasty. Hightower’s not going to light up any press conferences. Think Demarco Murray from the Cowboys.
Bruce Irvin- West Virginia DE:
Facial Profile: His past says you should “stay away.” His record shows jail time for two charges while serving about three weeks. He has the look of a punk, but there’s still a look of innocence that makes me think he can bounce back.
So there it is, my gift to NFL teams right before the draft. If you think i’m nuts, save this and remember a predicted success rate of 80%. Your team would gladly take that help.
If you still have tears in your eyes from laughter, consider this: Many NFL franchises base draft decisions on Wonderlic scores and preference of dog or cat. Is Facial Profiling crazier than those methods? It should be noted that if you have Ray Lewis leadership on your team, you can still draft a bad apple (Jimmy Smith last year) because he’ll keep him in line. If you don’t (Cowboys), then why worry about managing a talented pain in the ass?? If you can identify and avoid the headache, you improve your team while avoiding Gregg Williams in the unemployment line.
If you want to draft the next Ryan Leaf, JaMarcus Russell or Charles Rogers, go right ahead. If not, you may want to listen. My proof of insanity is free for your favorite team to utilize, a revolutionary ‘New School’ edge.
Do the smart thing.
Save your money.
*Listen to New School with Shan, Choppy, Jasmine & Troy weekdays 5:30 a.m. – 10:00 a.m. on 105.3 The Fan. Follow Shan on Twitter @NewSchoolSS
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