Jasmine’s ‘I Hate The Cowboys Opponent’ Rant
My weekly “I hate the Cowboys’ opponent” rant, courtesy of the St. Louis Rams.
I hate the Rams because of Sam Bradford. He was from OU (which, I’ll admit, is a huge step up from my Alma-Mater UNT but it’s still in the state of Oklahoma so that’s working against him) the ONLY saving grace for me with Sam Bradford is the fact that he signed a “Will You Marry Me, Sam” poster for a fan and she cried with elation. But even then, he didn’t actually sack up and do the right thing and marry her so I may as well just cancel out the redeeming factor I once saw in him.
I hate the Rams because the actual head of a ram is sacred in the practices of witchcraft and Satanism. It’s in the Bible. Google it. When this St. Louis Rams team takes to the field, they are telling everyone that it is OKAY to be a Satanist.
I hate the Rams because of fans like this: the old school LA Rams fans who will walk around with an LA Dodgers hat while wearing a St. Louis Rams shirt or jersey thinking that it will still keep the memory of the LA Rams alive. Face it, it’s been since 1995. It’s done and they aren’t coming back.
I hate the Rams because their state is home to the St. Louis Cardinals (formerly home to Albert Pujols and current home to David Freese). And we all remember what happened in the 2011 World Series, Rangers fans. Plus Cardinals fans are barely even people; they’re a bunch of dopey buffoons. Just ask any Cubs fan…
I hate the Rams because the St. Louis Blues are from there and I went to high school with a girl who was a MAJOR B who served as a puck bunny for one of the guys on the 1998 roster.
I hate the Rams because they’re close to East St. Louis, Illinois and that’s where I avoided getting killed by a gang– okay it may or may not have been was two guys trying to sell me a pink Prime Co phone and ended up smacking me on the butt while I was stranded with a flat tire. I saw a pregnant teenager drinking a bottle out of a brown paper bag. It was a terrible experience. Incidentally, East St. Louis has the highest crime rate in the United States (according to the FBI’s 100 most dangerous cities list).
I hate the Rams because their St. Louis Gateway Arch has NOTHING on our Margaret Hunt Hill bridge. I’d like to think that THEY stole the blueprints from us originally back in 1947 and we finally got up off of our butts and put in our version!
I hate the Rams because they have Anheuser Busch. Fine! WE are home to SHINER Beer! And last time I checked, there was no such thing as “Anheuser Busch bread!”
I hate the Rams because of Lambert-St. Louis International airport. I flew into that airport one time. I was deathly ill, (okay air-sickness) was throwing up, and there were NO bathrooms close to my terminal! The people working there didn’t even bother helping me try to avoid spewing everywhere and were just rude Mid-westerners.
Which is another reason why I hate the Rams. Midwesterners. They are rude and act mortified when you open doors for them and or try to engage in conversation with their cashiers in check out lines. They don’t thank you when you let them over into your lane on the roadways and hardly let you over even when your blinker is on!
I hate the Rams because their state has the Ozarks. One time, I got lost in the dark during a torrential rain storm there; all the while trying to avoid hitting deer and meandering through the death Labyrinth that is the Ozarks. It was AWFUL.
And FINALLY, my trump card…
I REALLY hate the Rams because WE don’t have their staple HYBRID cheese (Provel) and their staple dishes like: toasted ravioli, gooey butter cake, the slinger, the Gerber sandwich, the St. Paul sandwich, and St. Louis style pizza.
Please note below, the various descriptions of aforementioned foods, courtesy of Wikipedia:
PROVEL: is a white processed cheese that is popular in St. Louis, Missouri. Provel is produced with Cheddar, Swiss, and provolone. Provel has a low melting point and, thus, has a gooey and almost buttery texture at room temperature.
TOASTED RAVIOLI: or breaded deep-fried ravioli, is an appetizer created and popularized in St. Louis, Missouri. Toasted ravioli can be found on the menus of many St. Louis restaurants including those of The Hill, a predominantly Italian neighborhood.
GOOEY BUTTER CAKE: is a type of cake traditionally made in the American Midwest city of St. Louis. Gooey butter cake is a flat and dense cake made with wheat cake flour, butter, sugar, and eggs, typically near an inch tall, and dusted with powdered sugar. While sweet and rich, it is somewhat firm, and is able to be cut into pieces similarly to a brownie. Gooey butter cake is generally served as a type of coffee cake and not as a formal dessert cake. There are two distinct variants of the gooey butter: a bakers’ gooey butter and a cream cheese and commercial yellow cake mix variant. It is believed to have originated in the 1930s. It should be served at room temperature or warm.
THE SLINGER: is a Midwestern diner specialty typically consisting of two eggs, hash browns, and a hamburger patty (or any other meat) all covered in chili (with or without beans) and generously topped with cheese (cheddar or American) and onions. The eggs can be any style. The Slinger is considered to be a St. Louis late-night culinary original. It is described as “a hometown culinary invention: a mishmash of meat, hash-fried potatoes, eggs, and chili, sided with your choice of ham, sausage, bacon, hamburger patties, or an entire T-bone steak.
GERBER SANDWICH: or “Famous Gerber sandwich” is an open faced sandwich made in St. Louis, Missouri. The Gerber consists of a half section of Italian or French bread, spread with garlic butter, and topped with ham, and Provel or Provolone cheese, seasoned with a sprinkling of paprika and then toasted. First made by the local family-owned Ruma’s Deli, and named in 1973 after a customer called Dick Gerber, the sandwich has been duplicated by many other St. Louis restaurants.
THE ST. PAUL SANDWICH: is a type of sandwich found in Chinese American restaurants in St. Louis, Missouri. The sandwich consists of an egg foo young patty (made with mung bean sprouts and minced white onions) served with dill pickle slices, white onion, mayonnaise, lettuce, and tomato between two slices of white bread. The St. Paul sandwich also comes in different combinations and specials, such as chicken, pork, shrimp, beef and other varieties.
ST. LOUIS STYLE PIZZA: is a distinct style of pizza popular in St. Louis, Missouri, and surrounding areas. The definitive characteristics of St. Louis-style pizza are a super-thin yeast-less crust, the common (but not mandatory) use of Provel processed cheese, and pizzas cut into squares or rectangles instead of large wedge shaped slices. Provel is a trademark for three cheeses fused to form one (provolone, Swiss, and white Cheddar), used instead of (or, rarely, in addition to) the mozzarella or provolone common to other styles of pizza