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My weekly “I hate the Cowboys’ opponent” rant, courtesy of the Seattle Seahawks…
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because of two words: Jordan Babineux! Yes, it was back in 2007 but it’s still fresh on my mind! The Tony Romo/Jordan Babineux botched hold/tackle debacle five years ago was a day that shattered my Cowboys heart into pieces. I was left with tears rolling down my silver and blue painted cheeks as I cried into my tub of Rotel dip that was resting on my Tony Romo jerseyed belly…
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their fans can’t come up with their own moniker for their fan base. Hey Seahawks fans, “The 12th Man” was already taken by Texas A&M BACK IN 1922!!! You had to get SUED just to realize this!!!
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because of their stadium, CenturyLink Field. It’s so stinkin’ loud that the noise level is compared to that of a friggin’ jet engine! Plus, all that godforsaken place is good for is a plethora of false starts and penalties!
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because of their cheerleaders. Their squad is called, “The Sea Gals.” What the hell is this “Chicken of the Sea” BS “Sea Gal” crap? Definitely a score one in the win column for “America’s Sweethearts” on this one…
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their city was the basis for the movie, “Sleepless in Seattle.” What a joke of a movie giving false hope of love to all of us women. At least the Seattle-based soft core porn/bondage book “50 Shades of Grey” told it like it is, when it comes to TRUE love…
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their quarterback, Russell Wilson, can play football, baseball, hockey, badminton, has saved whales, has held a seat in Congress and probably has a cure for cancer in the works. What DOESN’T this guy do?
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their city looks like you’re walking into one giant Apple store! Seattle is home to a bunch of depressed hipsters– the dudes in their rolled up jeans, slip on Keds, and douchey Jay Cutler looking hair; the chicks in their pasty skin, awkward floral seer sucker dresses, chopped bangs, and sandals made out of yarn. All these people do all day is drive around in their hybrid hatchbacks while sipping on their overpriced coffee and listening to a mixed tape combo of angsty indie music of Ryan Adams, Fiona Apple, and Snow Patrol!
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their city’s skyline has a giant heroin needle looking building smack dab in the middle of it! Fine, y’all have THAT. But do you have Reunion Tower?? Do you have a giant hamster crawl ball which doubles as a spinning restaurant that lights up at night?? Yeah, didn’t think so…
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their city is so bad that Kurt Cobain shot himself just to get away. Thankfully, Dave Grohl is living, so that’s saving Seattle, but barely…
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their city is not only responsible for losing the Seattle Supersonics but they also harbored Gary Payton for 13 years and he’s a punk. But, I was a huge fan of Shawn Kemp growing up, despite the fact that he fathered 32 children and was constantly “allegedly” doing coke.
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their city is home to the Seattle Mariners and they had Ken Griffey Jr. back in the day. We didn’t. Therefore, I hate them…
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their city is the birthplace of the greatness known as Nordstrom. It would only be fitting for Nordstrom to have been birthed HERE in Dallas so that it could be blood sisters with the greatness also known as Neiman Marcus…
I hate the Seattle Seahawks because their city is home to too much healthy food. Sure, you’ve got amazing sea food. But, is it deep fried, battered, or smothered in butter?!?! Of course not! Everything is raw, breaded in granola, rolled up in brown rice or is just flat out tofu. That’s just not right!
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