My weekly “I hate the Cowboys’ Opponents Rant,” courtesy of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers…
I hate the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because of their stadium for three reasons. First, Raymond James Stadium is a shady, underhanded place to play. Why? Because they conveniently place the visitor’s bench on the east side of the stadium which is in direct sunlight for 1pm EST games. Doesn’t anybody see this!? They intentionally cheat by placing the sun directly into the eyes of their enemies!
Secondly, their stadium has a stupid, giant 103 foot, 43 ton steel-and-concrete replica pirate ship that fires off rubber footballs and confetti each time the Bucs score points or enter the other team’s red zone. Canons fire, team flags are hoisted, the song, “Yo Ho (A Pirate’s Life for Me)” blares through the PA system and a bunch of buffooney Bucs fans throw beads, shirts, and other crap to the people below.
They have a giant version of the “Pete the Repeat Talking Parrot” toy that sits on the stern of this atrocity and talks to people when they walk by. I’m embarrassed that Jerry’s party plaza areas on each end of Cowboys Stadium were rumored to be inspired by THIS circus!
And thirdly, fans sometimes refer to Raymond James Stadium as the “Ray Jay.” Good goin’, Bucs fans. You refer to your home by the same name as the guy who banged Kim Kardashian in night vision lighting for a sex tape.
I hate the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because their mascot at one time was named “Buccaneer Bruce.”
My boss’s name is Bruce and I like him which only makes me more mad that they would choose THAT name to represent some broke version of Antonio Banderas’ “Zorro” to go around and drum up team spirit with a bunch of desperate Buccs fans. NOTHING says threat factor like a winking mascot who was described as “striking fear in the hearts of no one” by sports writer Nick Bakay. Now apparently, he’s been named, “Bucco Bruce” or something? Who knows.
I hate the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because of their fans. Let’s face it. It takes people with no serious drive or ambition in life to like a team that’s always on the cusp of getting blacked out because nobody cares to watch them.
I hate the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because they are close to the awful, petri dish known as the Trop where the Tampa Bay Rays play. I’m convinced that somehow, the boils I’ve dealt with on my face this week developed from merely just TALKING about that dump.
I hate the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because their city/area has a suburb called, “Jasmine Estates.”
Normally that would flatter me to no end and cause me to LOVE Tampa Bay. But then I found out that “Jasmine Estates” is considered to be the Tornado City of the Tampa Bay area due to its tumultuous weather. Not cool, Tampa Bay–not cool. You could have named it something else like, “Michael Vick Estates” or “Philadelphia Eagles Estates” then it would certainly merit the constant threat of being bowled over by Mother Nature’s wrath.
I hate the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because their city has NO signature food dish or staple cuisine indigenous to their area! Bravo, Tampa Bay. You have a ton of chain restaurants and diners that serve fresh seafood. It’s a good thing y’all at least have a Dairy Queen to save your behinds or I’d get a WHOLE lot uglier on this particular subject.
Listen to Jasmine with the New School morning show, weekdays 5:30 a.m. – 10:00 a.m. on 105.3 The Fan. Follow Jasmine on Twitter @JasmineSadry.
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