In an unprecedented move in my typical hate rant for the Cowboys’ specific opponent for the week, I have decided that there aren’t multiple reasons why I hate this week’s opponent.
There’s just one: Jay Cutler.
Yes, I hate the Chicago Bears solely because of Jay Cutler.
I hate the fact that Jay Cutler will forever share the NFL history books with storied NFL figures like the “Sweetness” himself, Walter Payton; with “Refrigerator” Perry, Mike Ditka, and the original “Super Bowl Shuffle” circa 1985. I also hate that he’s associated with something as cute as a Bear…
I hate Jay Cutler because he will indirectly be linked to the greatness of Chris Farley, God bless his soul. Farley was part of “Da Bears” parody on SNL. I love Chris Farley and I HATE that Jay Cutler will forever be linked with this.
I hate Jay Cutler because he ALWAYS looks like he just woke up from an extended nap on your living room couch and somehow manages to still flaunt a douchey-hipster hair flip everywhere he goes.
I hate Jay Cutler because he popped the collar of his flannel shirt for an interview with Marshall Faulk back in 2010 while talking about the offensive coordinator he would later go on to say, “F him” about. That would be one, Mike Martz…
I hate Jay Cutler because he has an inflated sense of self worth compounded by a lack of social grace and self-awareness, all while rocking bags under his eyes and a smirky, apathetic facial expression. You can watch any of his former press conferences before and after games as living proof of the preceding statement.
I hate Jay Cutler because I bet he’s the friend who is a self-invited, tag-along mooch who thinks he has MAD game with women; the guy that runs up your bar tab on drinks (that don’t even taste very good) and then have the nerve to walk on the actual tab, or just hobble on the tab based on how his fake sore knee is doing that night. AND, he would totally be the guy who would make a play for the chick YOU have your eyes on JUST to do it.
I hate Jay Cutler because he looks like the guy who would STILL rock a Von Dutch truckers hat from 2004, tip it to the side, and flip the bill up JUST perfectly enough for his douchey-hipster hair to show from underneath.
I hate Jay Cutler because he looks like the guy that would show up to your place, get wasted, puke, and just leave it there.
I hate Jay Cutler because he looks like he would hang out with Roger Goodell. And that’s just bad.
I hate Jay Cutler because he makes me become someone that I’m not, a violent and highly irritated person. He makes me want to justify the need for “necessary roughness” and I’m a huge proponent for NFL player safety when it comes to hits. When Ndamukong Suh once forearm punched Jay Cutler, he basically did what every NFL fan wants to do from the comfort of their own couch…
I hate Jay Cutler because he also makes OTHER people become something they aren’t! Jay Cutler is so awful that it led Chicago Blackhawks legend Chris Chelios to say that Jay is “nothing but a little B!” before lighting Jay’s jersey on fire! Last time I checked, Tony Romo didn’t make Mike Modano feel the need to call him a name and burn his jersey.
I hate Jay Cutler because he doesn’t list a favorite food in any of his bios. That’s just soulless. You can never trust someone who can’t either 1) name you their favorite foods or 2) offer you a recipe of a favorite food. The government may want to put him on a watch list.
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