Jasmine Hates: Carolina Panthers
My weekly, “I hate the Cowboys Opponents Rant,” where my hate for the other team is rooted in highly non-sensical reasoning and the fact that I’ve generally never even visited the opposing team’s city before– this week, courtesy of the Carolina Panthers.
First things first. I hate the Carolina Panthers because of Cam Newton. Smarmy. Sketchy. Lap top bandit. Partner in crime with his own dad to break NCAA eligibility/cash exchange rules. The Cowboys even ended up cutting his dad, Cecil’s behind as a safety from their 1983 pre-season roster! THEY even knew what kind of family they were getting involved with!
The guy is known as “Scam Newton” and the “Camburgler” for godssakes!!
In a press conference back in 2010 when he was still at Auburn, Cam said the ever so douchey cliche statement, “If I go get some groceries, I would just look at that as if I was just a regular citizen. Now I can’t even go anywhere that someone doesn’t recognize me.” Shut up, Cam Newton. For ALL of your hype, as of Week 6, you shouldn’t be ranked 23rd out of 33 QBs with a passer rating of 80. Steve Smith, your own wide-receiver, doesn’t even like you!
I hate the Carolina Panthers because they are based in the city of Charlotte. Charlotte is my favorite character on “Sex and the City” and I hate that she shares a name with that atrocious city.
I hate the Carolina Panthers because of Sir Purr, the mascot. He caused drama in a 1996 game against the Steelers; On a Panthers punt, Sir Purr jumped on the ball even though it was a live ball, turning the play into a touchback. No one likes a mascot that screws with the game. You don’t see Rowdy out there doing that, now do you? I also hate that he’s a giant cat. As an animal lover, it tears me up to say that I hate him.
I hate the Carolina Panthers because their city ran out the Charlotte Hornets. Two of my favorite NBA players growing up were Muggsy Bogues and Larry Johnson. Their tattered posters still hang in my old room at my folks’ house in bitter remembrance that they were chased off to the Petri dish known as New Orleans…
I hate the Carolina Panthers because their city, “Charlotte,” has two nick names. One, the “Queen City” or “QC” and “Crown Town” for the hipsters and two, “The Hornet’s Nest.”
First of all, just stick to one nickname if you’re a city. Ours, simple. “Big D.”
Their nicknames come from some stodgy queen consort of King George III and the fact that during the Revolutionary War, British commander General Cornwallis said he was driven out of there by hostile residents. If you visit the “Why Charlotte, NC Sucks” message board, like I did, you’ll see proof that nothing has changed. Posters are complaining of even how mean the panhandlers currently are. They bite you, spit on you and are so intolerable, that they have to be hosed down by the local fire department just to exterminate ‘em out of unwanted areas. Local Hip-hop DJ’s have also been known to refer to Charlotte as “Crunktown.”
Speaking of further proof on the internet as to why Charlotte is a terrible city and why it makes me want to hate the Carolina Panthers, UrbanDictionary.com has defined Charlotte as this: “People have no taste. They are all like robots, and all the soccer moms drive Honda Odyssey mini-vans, shop at the Super K-Mart and carry around their ugly Vera Bradley diaper looking handbags. People never eat at home, and the lines for Chick-fil-A and Wendy’s are like an hour long. Instead of making their parents buy them nice cars, the “rich” North Carolina redneck farm children buy pick up trucks or jacked up jeeps and spray disgusting mud all over them. People there think that a stupid strip mall is awesome and it is probably more crowded than downtown on the weekends. The whole year consists of looking forward to the family vacation to either Myrtle beach or Hilton Head, depending on if your house has wheels or not. Everyone pretends to be a virgin, but they really gave it up when they were 13 at their annual youth group retreat.”
Look at these solid, substantial facts! The numbers on UrbanDictionary.com certainly don’t lie! This completely justifies my hate for the Carolina Panthers!
I hate the Carolina Panthers because their city birthed a porn star and aided and abed a gold digger. Brooke Ballentyne constantly gets bodily violated for money on night-vision camera and Emily Maynard has been the “Bachelorette” or “Bachelor” (whatever it is) on that annoying ABC TV show for too long. Do I REALLY care that you still haven’t found a suitor?? Get off of the cover of my “People” magazine, stop crying over why REALITY TV SHOW guys won’t stay with you, and here’s an idea: be a REAL mom to your daughter instead of some hillbilly fame skank!
I hate the Carolina Panthers because on the “Why Charlotte, NC Sucks” message board, one of the posts claims that in their city, you can smoke while you’re waiting in line to pay at Hardee’s, that there’s nothing to do for entertainment but drugs, and there’s an influx of Yankees that overtook the city. Drugs, Yankees… blah blah… More importantly: why on EARTH would someone sully the great food at Hardee’s with cigarette smoke and ashes? THAT in itself makes me hate this team even more!
Also Check Out: