My weekly, “I hate the Cowboys Opponents Rant,” where my hate for the other team is rooted in highly non-sensical reasoning– this week, courtesy of the New York Giants who happen to hail from East Rutherford, New Jersey.
I could simply just say that I hate the New York Giants because of the whole having two rings since the Cowboys last won one back when I was still rocking a training bra. Or, I could just say I have to automatically hate them because they’re in the same division as the Cowboys.
But, I’m a bit more layered and complicated than that.
I hate the New York Giants because they’re called, “The New York Football Giants!” Yes, I get it. It’s for separating themselves from the New York Giants baseball team…. OF 1937!! They moved to San Francisco in 1957! I THINK enough time has passed by to drop the moniker already.
I hate the New York Giants because they have NO mascot! Only soulless teams like the Oakland Raiders don’t have mascots! So, congratulations, New York Giants! You’re no better than that Raiders when the fate of your soul is ultimately determined…
I hate the New York Giants because of their fans: the “G-Men,” “Big Blue,” or even the “Jints” as they’re called. I haven’t met ONE Giants fan that I like… well, except for Shan’s buddy, Goldberg. I don’t know what the hell a “jint” would be by definition. But it sounds like a grotesque, evil, gross creature with scaly skin, wiry hair and toe nails that look like pointed Fritos Scoops. Which, that in itself makes me mad because I like Fritos Scoops paired with the American cheese that squirts out of a can…
I hate the New York Giants because their wide receiver Salsa dances. What does ours do? Allegedly whip up on his mamma with a baseball cap, forget how to run a route, or hold onto a football. Salsa dancing trumps issues with the law and issues with scoring touchdowns and YOU, Victor Cruz, make me jealous…
I hate the New York Giants because their quarterback was on SNL and their quarterback is Peyton Manning’s brother! The only thing Tony Romo has that is close to a brother is his brother in-law– a guy named Chase who happened to be shirtless on some sappy chick show called, “Gossip Girl!” Eli Manning has Peyton Manning blood running through his veins. Peyton DNA trumps all things ANY DAY and THAT makes me jealous.
I hate the New York Giants because their history of storied players includes a low-risk level one sex offender who couldn’t contain himself around an under-aged prostitute and another guy who left his pregnant wife so he could dork some blond side squish intern. Way to go, Lawrence Taylor and Tiki Barber.
I hate the New York Giants because of their head coach, Tom Coughlin. That guy looks like the snake-faced coach played by Jon Voight in the movie, “Varsity Blues.” I didn’t like THAT guy which makes me NOT like Coughlin. Besides, you don’t see Jason Garrett with snake face, do you?
I hate the New York Giants because they’re clumped in with the same franchises as the Knicks and the BROOKLYN Nets. Thanks to the Knicks, former players/punks John Starks and Latrell Sprewell called New York home AND there was a needless movie actually made back in 1996 called “Eddie” in which Whoopi Goldberg stars as a Knicks fan who wins a contest to coach the team… Really? Additionally, thank you, Brooklyn Nets. Because of YOU, the Mavericks were robbed of Deron Williams. I’m STILL reeling in the loss of that.
I hate the New York Giants because according to the website, “New Jersey: The Worst State Ever,” an actual account from a NATIVE of the state, my findings for my New York Giants hate are ultimately justified. Their state is riddled with crime, corruption, dirty Mafia money, they have higher auto insurance rates because they can’t drive, and HGTV won’t even visit their state to feature a house project because you have to pay a fortune and still live in a dump. New Jerseyeans are typically hot headed, rude, roided up, overly tan and boast Italian pride when most of them can’t even speak a lick of Italian. In fact, I watch “The Jersey Shore” just because it’s like watching animals at the zoo. And, “What exit are you?” is their way of saying, “Hello.” We GET it. Y’all have exits 1-172 to sniff each others’ butts about when you meet! The only thing MAYBE saving their case a little here is the fact that two of their state’s major exports are prostitutes and pharmaceuticals. Everyone like easy girls and good pills.
I hate the New York Giants because of Metlife stadium. Never mind the fact that they have to share their stadium with Mark Sanchez, the sweet reincarnation of baby Jesus known as Tim Tebow and the rest of the Jets (like both the Giants and Jets organizations are two poor brothers having to share one toy). Poor siblings share sweaters, not stadiums. More importantly, Metlife stadium serves buffalo mac & cheese and the famous Brooklyn’s Burgers (which you can find in the frozen section of your local friendly grocer.) Trust me, I know. Sure, we have Kobe steak burgers at Cowboys Stadium but come on!!! We’re talking buffalo mac & cheese here!! The only thing that would hurt me worse is if I found out that Metlife Stadium served little cardboard moats of Hamburger Helper beef stroganoff!
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