IRVING (105.3 The Fan) – The Dallas Cowboys’ in-flight movie following Sunday night’s soul-sucking 19-13 loss at Atlanta was “Total Recall,” the lame 2012 reboot of an old Arnold Schwarzenegger thriller. This Colin Ferrell film is infamous for one character, a futuristic prostitute with three breasts.
The Cowboys? Three boobs? Are their names “Jones,” “Garrett” and “Romo”?
GM. Coach. Quarterback. Blame for this 3-5 season that owner/GM Jerry Jones himself terms “a disappointment,” naturally magnetizes itself to those three spots.
But of course, what we’re learning about this Cowboys unit (largely like the 15 editions of Cowboys teams predating it) is that when it comes to self-evaluation. There are 53 players and dozens more staffers who must submit to The Boob Test.
The players, the coaches, the administrators … they are all a boobish 3-5.
I know. It’s not nice to name-call. But if the Cowboys public wishes to label them all “boobs,” well, where is the tangible evidence to argue otherwise?
And thus, a Sean Payton-to-Dallas rumor is born.
The Cowboys coach-changing gossip is based in some fact. ESPN reports that the knotted maze of Events in New Orleans could void the contract of the suspended Payton at the end of this season, rendering him a free agent.
Payton was a Dallas assistant from 2003 to 2005. That job spring-boarded him to New Orleans, where his high-octane offense led the Saints to a Super Bowl win. Dallas radio station 105.3 The Fan has learned that in January 2012, Payton purchased a home in Westlake (a DFW suburb) for $3.125 million. He and his estranged wife both call DFW home and both of their young children live here. One of Payton’s sons plays sixth-grade football in Argyle; Sean serves as that team’s highly-overqualified offensive coordinator.
On top of all this, Payton remains close to the Jones family. Of course, given Jerry’s 23-year standing in the NFL, he has lots of friends in coaching. Jerry is worth at least $2 billion; pals are not difficult to come by.
One of those friends, naturally, is the standing coach, Jason Garrett. Jerry is committed to building with Garrett, the former Cowboys backup QB who possesses a great number of enviable traits but whose lifetime coaching record now stands at a speaks-volumes 16-16.
Garrett is smarter than 16-16, yet that’s what he is. Romo’s offense is reputed to be more talented than the one that scored 13 in Atlanta, but that’s what it did. Coordinator Rob Ryan’s defense is keeping this club afloat, but tucked inside the 19 points allowed are five Atlanta runs of 20 yards or more, an absurd total of conservative calls transformed into explosive results. Giving up game-losing plays is what even they do.
The other teams keep looking explosive. The Cowboys plunge toward looking “implosive.”
So what’s next in the Cowpocalypse? A subtle shift from Garrett to Bill Callahan as play-caller? Drastically alter direction? Make changes at the top? Blow it up?
Before the game, Jones conceded to NBC that if he was the owner and a Replicate Jerry was the GM, he would’ve fired himself by now. But none of us are usually in a hurry to pink-slip ourselves (are you?) and such a move seems as unlikely as Payton ditching the relative powerhouse he’s built in New Orleans to labor in his adopted hometown area of DFW.
After the game, Jones said this about Garrett: “I have a lot of faith in Jason. I think Jason’s future is ahead of him. I know how hard he works. I like his philosophy so I have a lot of faith, a lot of confidence, one of the brighter spots that I see, about our head coaching and our coaching in the future.”
What the Cowboys really need – besides a better quality of movie on the team flight – is a wide scalpel. A medical procedure. A “boob”-reduction surgery.
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