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My weekly, “I hate the Cowboys Opponents Rant,” where my hate for the other team is rooted in highly non-sensical reasoning and the fact that I’ve generally never even stepped foot in most of the opposing team’s cities.
This week, I’m coming after you, Cincinnati Bengals…
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because their city has a campaign called, “Don’t Trash the Nati.” First of all, “The Nasty Nati” just happens to be one of their city nicknames anyway. Terrible. Awfully ghetto. One phrase: “Big D.” Thank you, Dallas. It’s NOT ghetto AND it’s half of the bra size, “DD.” You just CAN’T go wrong there…
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because here is YET again another team with an animal as their mascot and I HATE the fact that I can’t HATE him. However, I CAN hate his name and the hideous chant that is also related to this poor mascot. He’s named, “Who Dey.”
Yes, the mascot is actually named “Who Dey!” very much like the annoying “Who Dat!” chant of the New Orleans Saints. Anyway, “Who Dey!” is the name of a chant of support by Bengals fans, in use for over 30 years. The entire chant is: “Who dey, who dey, who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals?” The answer screamed in unison, “Nobody!” Sometimes fans will instead shout “Who Dey!” to represent the entire cheer. The Who Dey chant was first used by the fans of the 1980s Bengals and it’s fabled to be rooted in a 1980 commercial for Red Frazier Ford of Cincinnati. I wish I was kidding when I typed that. They used the tagline: “Who’s going to give you a better deal than Red Frazier?…Nobody!” Simpleton Bengals fans who had seen the commercial a million times ended up just copying it in the cheer. Way to go Bengals, you ripped off your team chant AND your mascot’s name from some used car lot which probably operated out of a portable with bars on its windows.
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because they’ve had throngs of felons and a sex offender represent their organization.
The Bengals have had more player arrests in the entire NFL since 2000 AND a slut bucket by the name of Sarah Jones, captain of the Bengals cheerleading squad AND former high school teacher in Kentucky, was arrested for piddling an actual student!
Now, I can’t say much for the whole felonious player side (hello, Dallas Cowboys rosters of present and past) BUT, I can say proudly that the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, “America’s Sweethearts,” THE most coveted cheerleading squad in the history of EVER would NEVER be associated with something so horrifically trashy! That’s right–Keep it classy, “Nasty Nati!”
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because of their city’s baseball team, the Cincinnati Reds, who blatantly harbored a terrible monster known as Marge Schott for an extended period of time. This putrid wretch was a managing general partner, president and CEO from 1984-1999 and a giant racist who supported Adolf Hitler! (You’re welcome for Josh Hamilton AND Deion Sanders, by the way). So hats off to YOU, Cincinnati Bengals! Because you share the same city as your racist baseball team, you support genocide!
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because the very existence of their deplorable city is the root of the high depression rate amongst its citizens.
If you visit the highly credible blog site known as “Cincinnati Hate,” you’ll read one person’s (we’ll call him victim number 296,223) horrendous account of what it’s like to live in Cincinnati. Neil J writes, “The AIR feels like its choking you and is always grey and cloudy and foul. This is combined with the abundant racism, terrible drivers, the fact that the food sucks, there isn’t anything to do and it smells like pee. It sucks the life out of you and I wish I could get out.” Way to go, Cincinnati Bengals. You’re directly responsible for robbing an innocent life of any hope.
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because they are home to a downtown office building known as the Scripps Center, which houses the E.W. Scripps Company, who are behind the Scripps National Spelling Bee. Well, in 5th grade I competed for a spot in that spelling bee. Wouldn’t you know that I didn’t make it out of the regional round. BUT, the study guide I used had a giant picture of the Scripps logo on it. So thank you, Cincinnati Bengals because the missed word “buoyancy” still haunts me 21 years later.
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because their city is home to the grocery store chain, Kroger. The Kroger bakery near my house is where I get my boxed red velvet cupcakes which normally don’t even make the car ride home. Therefore, I hate the fact that the Bengals are instantly tied to such a prestigious delicacy in my life!
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because of their music scene. They birthed the band “98 Degrees” and “Blessid Union of Souls.”
First of all, I hate the fact that the Bengals are directly tied to “98 Degrees” because I love the former lead member, and current diehard Bengals fan, Nick Lachey. Frankly, I’m jealous. Why can’t the Cowboys have a former boy bander who doubles as a kick ass stadium seat ninja who bashes fans in Igor Olshanky jerseys at games? Now, HE means business with his fandom! (see the headlines of Nick Lachey going after a Chargers fan at Qualcomm last week as reference for preceding statement.) And secondly, who thought of going with a band name called, “Blessid Union of Souls” and deciding to take the extra step of making it sound hardcore by misspelling it to “Blessed” with an “i?” Terrible name for a terribly annoying band who had an equally annoying song called, “I Believe.” Plus, a whore I used to go to high school with used to squeal like she did in the back of our soccer team’s van with whoever the soup d’jour was that day EVERY time that song would play. It will forever remind me of her. So, thank you, Cincinnati Bengals for THIS.
I hate the Cincinnati Bengals because of two of their city’s food staples; some pathetic excuse for ice cream, known as Graeter’s Ice Cream, and the officially dubbed, Cincinnati Chili.
I’ll address the ice cream situation first.
They claim that this “Graeter’s Ice Cream” is THE best in the world using something called a “French pot method.” Whatever. EVERYONE knows that Texas’ own Blue Bell Ice Cream is THE best in the world. Period. End of discussion.
And now, on to the chili. I’m just going to go ahead and say that this part of my hate is rooted in extreme jealousy.
The Cincinnati Chili is described as a meaty blend of slightly sweet and slightly hot spices and is EATEN WITH A FORK ATOP OF HEAPING BED OF SPAGHETTI! It’s then topped with cheese to make what’s known as a “three way”, cheese and beans or onions to make a “four way” or ALL three to make a “five way.”
As a foodie, I’m going to REALLY anger my fellow Texans by saying this but, I LOVE this idea and HATE the fact that this concept wasn’t birthed in Texas! I know that chili purists from ALL over Texas will be emailing me and ripping me to shreds for that, as NO TEXAN should EVER have anything but cornbread with their chili and CERTAINLY never mix it with a pasta for goddsakes! But, I’m sorry. To heap that chili on top of spaghetti and then drench it in cheese and link it to three specific sex acts?? Genius. So, thank you, Cincinnati Bengals for your city’s chili idea making me absolutely disgusted with my own state. Y’all probably stole that recipe from some other state anyway…
So, with all of the aforementioned as exhibits A-Z, I officially rest my case as to clearly justifying WHY I hate the Cincinnati Bengals.
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