You think you know what you’re doing, but you don’t. You may think you’re alive, but you’re not. You may even have a few fantasy football championships on your resume, but you haven’t truly arrived until you can put an opponent in a verbal headlock of shame on your fantasy league’s message board.
It saddens me to think that many of you are content just being in a boring, auto-draft, mail-it-in, missionary, garbage league with co-workers. That’s amateur hour, friend. Let me guess… you set out in the world looking for a little extra water cooler material so you and your pressed Dockers could awkwardly exchange smalltalk with some corporate bully who still thinks he’s in college even though he looks pregnant and his hairline is trying to escape his face like it is Shawshank Prison.
Perhaps you’re surrounded by a handful of guys who over-aggressively hi-five, talk too loudly in small rooms, and still boast of clearly untrue female conquests even though the average low-key pharmacist has more authentic swagger. Or maybe you’re in a league with dudes you grew up with who know your playbook better than you do and can predict your every move, every thought and every outcome.
No matter what your fantasy football league is about or how it came together, you need to wake up and realize that you’re covered in chum and swimming with sharks. It’s time to level the playing field with the verbal Hammer of Thor and a relentlessness that would make a tiger shark uncomfortable.
Effectively talking trash to your degenerate, knucklehead posse on your fantasy football message board could save your miserable life. A true wordsmithing wise-ass can effortlessly skate through mounting losses in a Teflon HAZMAT body suit because they are always firing a colorful flurry of insults and zings as they safely serpentine from Point A to Point B.
While Jedi trash talking can rescue you from the embarrassment of a terrible draft, it can also brilliantly accentuate your miracle season of awesomeness by stepping on the faces of your fellow league members like stair steps on your way to league glory.
The message board for your fantasy football league is your canvas. You are an artist. Each post should be designed to take someone behind the woodshed and leave him there to be discovered by authorities hours later shivering, broken and confused.
Let’s say that league member is coming at you with a vengeance for getting off to an awful star, getting blown out in a horrifying head-to-head loss, or just talking smack in advance of a match-up. Here’s an example of how you might respond on the message board… just to get you started:
“Look, you little sawed off thong fart. The day I worry about your team is the day I retire from fantasy football. You’re a TV dinner GM in a steakhouse league, son. When you showed up at the draft wearing daisy dukes, Champion hi-tops and a Joe Theismann jersey, I just thought you were going through some bizarre type of early mid-life crisis or personal meltdown. Now we can all see that you’re truly hurting inside because you don’t understand the game of football and simply don’t know what to do with yourself anymore. We’re all worried about you being out there in the world… alone… with your thoughts. Your wife is worried sick and won’t quit texting me and sending pics. Now shave off that pencil-thin mustache, quit telling everyone how much you love Good Charlotte, and pull yourself together before you get arrested for being an unregistered street clown.”
That’s a quality start but only the beginning. If you’re uncomfortable with the wife narrative, feel free to substitute there as you see fit. The Mom playbook has also landed many message board haymakers over the years and is still quite effective. Once you’ve successfully scorned, disrespected, and abused your good friend publicly, it’s time to go for the jugular and attack their fantasy roster:
“The truth is you have assembled a team of embarrassing scrubs better suited for the waiver wire than an actual roster. That’s what you get when you show up to the draft drunk off wine coolers, smelling like a trash bag full of dirty diapers and Drakkar Noir samples, and continually asking everyone if Tiki Barber is still available. Maybe next year you won’t draft your team from some old, water-logged fantasy magazine that came out 2 months before training camps opened, you little booger eater.”
And now it’s time for the grand finale. I find that a backwoods hillbilly theme is always impactful. Make sure to stick the landing. Be bold. Be explosive.
“You’re nothing but a dirt road rabbit dodging cars on the expressway. Now get your backwoods, hillbilly, overalls-wearin’, jugband sideshow off my mansion porch and go get your shine box. Let me see some real hustle and there might be a $5 dollar bill in it for you, you little Leprechaun fart.”
Now while your first inclination might be to not overuse the word “fart” in an insult barrage, power through that concern as it almost can’t be used enough.
The moral to the story is this… no matter how good or bad your fantasy team is, some expert level trash talking can go a long way to make your season much more enjoyable. If your team is awful, go ahead and lay down some defensive cover fire and don’t stop throwing haymakers until February. If your team is exceptional, be obnoxiously over confident and don’t let a glorious message board post happen without dumping Gatorade on yourself and proclaiming yourself the Champ. And by all means, never stop violently insulting the your dear friends on your message board for any reason.
(©2013 CBS Local Media, a division of CBS Radio Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.)
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