Normally i’m not the type of guy to write a scorched earth type of blog. I mean of all the on-air personalities at The Fan, i’m probably the only one who’s never been in a physical confrontation of any sort. I’m fairly passive, I think. I just don’t have any rage in me.
One thing, however, has really gotten everyone’s attention up on our floor of the building, and I think it’s time someone grows the testicular fortitude to type out about it. This is not just some words on a website to meet a quota. This is a plea to end a war that’s gone on too long. I’m talking about the current candy crisis in the building.
Before anyone starts snapping their chinstraps and prepares to go to battle, let me, your girlfriend’s favorite nuva-ring specialist, KT, pull back the curtain and give the spicy details of the ongoing candy crisis.
Like most office spaces, there’s a little break room used for vending machines, a fridge, a dishwasher, microwave, and the like. We’re also fortunate to have six candy dispensing machines in said room. They go about two months before needing a refill and a flavor change, if you will. I’ll start out with the positives. Currently we are locked in with one dispenser full of Chewy Spree. A great candy from the fine folks at The Willy Wonka Candy Company. Not only does the assortment of Chewy Spree bring a wide variety of styles to satisfy all of our hosts, it also impacts me personally as Skin Wade is beaming with an extra burst of fruity happiness after he’s inserted a quarter into that machine. So no problems there.
Second we have something labeled “Assorted Sours”, and that’s usually the first dispenser to be empty. G-Bag Nation board-op Alex Alexander and I share an affinity for those little round drops of sour candy, and often times you’ll find Chocolate Bear filling up a full Styrofoam cup full of those delicious sour balls.
And lastly on the positive side of things we have Skittles. Look, this is America. Skittles is the most popular candy among youth and the second most popular chewy candy in the United States aside from Starburst, and I’ve given up on trying to figure out the science to putting Starburst in those dispensers.
Now we get to the bare bones of this whole conversation. The other three dispensers. Boston Baked Beans? Little peanuts covered in red, but in the shape of beans. Find me a person that enjoys those, and you’ve found me a liar.
Next up, something called “Salted and Roasted Almonds”. It’s a candy dispenser for a reason. If I wanted almonds i’d go down to the first floor deli and grab a bag of nuts. Almonds in a candy dispenser? What’s next? Carrots? Some form of Queso? Giant killer hornets?
And lastly, the Jordan Almonds dispenser. Obviously, the paragraph above states my view on almonds in candy dispensers, but since Jordan Almonds is allegedly sweet, i’ll dial back my attitude. On the Jordan Almonds website jordanalmonds.com they describe these colorful nuts as “Fresh almonds that have a bittersweet taste, which represents life.” Okay look, i’m at work at a job I love, but i’m still at work, it’s already a bittersweet situation, I don’t need your glitzy almonds to make things anymore bittersweet.
So i’m like, whatever I can deal with a 50% candy dispenser ratio. That’s fine. All is well and good, until earlier in the week when I was down on another floor to make my daily rounds and hugs with the KRLD-AM station. As usual, I stopped to chat with the beautiful ladies in the commercial traffic department to catch up on any hot gossip, and to reestablish the fact that i’m available should they feel like leaving their respective husbands. Afterwards I moseyed on into the break room on that floor to get a look, and i’ll be darned if I don’t come across a candy dispenser filled with Reese’s Pieces! That’s right, the greatest candy in the history of the world had found it’s home on another floor, while upstairs we have to deal with some northeastern beans and two versions of nuts.
Now, I should be clear, I was my only witness. I know it’s code to have at least two witnesses, but time was of the essence and I realized I’d accidentally missed 3 hours of our show because I was catching up on some sewing techniques with the ladies.
I’m not trying to get anyone in trouble. I’m not trying to make anyone lose their job. I’m just hear to get it out in the open about our candy crisis, because it deserves to be public knowledge for a reason I can’t verify right now. Until next time, take care of one another. I love you.
Kevin Turner is the producer of The Ben and Skin show. The Ben and Skin Show airs weekdays from 2-6p in Dallas-Fort Worth on 105.3 The Fan. Be sure to follow the crew on Twitter: @BenRogers @SkinWade @ktfuntweets and @Brendantime. You can also email KT at firstname.lastname@example.org. He loves you all.
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