Bud Light Beach House 105.3 The Fan Awards
By Mike Fisher
OXNARD (105.3 THE FAN) — Setting up housekeeping in the Bud Light Beach House in southern California for three weeks during Cowboys camp has been a unique experience in so many ways.
For starters, we are immersed in Cowboys training camp for 24 hours a day long – a football happening when you combine it with the mild weather, the incredible access the Cowboys provide to 105.3 The Fan, and the fact that we spent the better part of a month living in a mansion with the Pacific Ocean as our backyard.
The presence of all the 105.3 The Fan personalities living in our “clubhouse” forged a great deal of what Gavin “The General” Dawson likes to term “fellowship.”
But it also created hangovers, silliness, sleep deprivation, conflict, laughs … and more hangovers.
As I am the guy who stayed in the house for the duration (along with the invaluable “Ted The Snoring Engineer”) welcoming “Shan & RJ,” “G-Bag Nation,” “Ben & Skin” and “K&C Masterpiece” as they rolled into town, I’ve taken it upon myself to hand out awards and commendations to my cherished roomies:
The Up-For-Anything Sports Champion: R.J. Choppy was — as Bud Light loves to hear it — up for anything when it came to Beach House sports battles. “Let’s play WhiffleBall!” “Let’s run suicides in the sand!” “Let’s get a surfboard!” “Let’s have a chugging competition!”
Alas, Choppy was as unsuccessful in all these pursuits as he was when trying to throw out the ceremonial first pitch at a recent pro baseball game. But as Jason Garrett says when trying to not insult a Cowboys player performing poorly, “Choppy did some good things.”
The World Of Warcraft/Witchcraft/Wizardy/Clash-of-FarmVille Winner: Ben Rogers worked his ass off. But in his free moments, late at night, I caught him in the living room, on his mobile device. Receiving another secret text from Dez? Plotting a baseball takeover with trusty sidekick JD?
No. Ben was obsessively playing a video game. The World Of Warcraft/Witchcraft/WizardyFarmVille, I think it was. Maybe he was playing against Dez and JD.
The Mama Bear Hug: Mike Bacsik deserves a hug back for serving as the Mama Bear of the house during his stay. He was warm and engaging, a shoulder to cry on, so giving that he even sacrificed his ridiculous belief that he could catch a football as well as any Cowboys receiver. He shared a bed with Jeff Cavanaugh — the photos are far more offensive than any snapshot Jerry Jones ever posed in — and invited us in to his master bedroom (one of four in the Beach House) to watch him take a bubble bath.
And then he emerged from the tub. Naked. And while nobody “looked,” he transformed quickly from Mama Bear into Papa Bear (while also reminding us of the “Seinfeld” phenomenon known as “shrinkage.”
Debate Class President: Shan Shariff hosts his real radio show for a few hours every morning. But the Radio Show In His Head goes on 24 hours a day, and his conducting of same one late night in Dargans Irish Pub almost got us kicked out.
Imagine: A man too loud, drunk and obnoxious even for a traditional Irish pub!?
The Man Of The World Global Cup: Cory Mageors thinks the sand on the beach of the Pacific Ocean “isn’t real” and also has no idea how to tip a waitress — or, for that matter, how to calculate a 20-percent tip. Time to get out of the house more, Big Fella.
The Breakfast of Champions Trophy: It goes to Roy White, who every morning, like clockwork, ate a balanced breakfast of eggs, a banana, and a Bud Light.
The Breaking Bad Banner: Skin Wade saved our lives. Ben Rogers and Kevin Turner had been lured into a Ventura Beach Pier drug deal featuring a gangster on a tiny bicycle and bad, bad men straight out of “Machete.” If not for the quick thinking and quick running of Skin, we would’ve all been victims of the Mexican Drug Cartel, our reputations drowned in a vat of Blue Meth and our amputated heads riding across the sand on the backs of turtles.
The Memory Metal: Gavin Dawson is charged with two major responsibilities in life: 1) Take care of his beautiful baby daughter and 2) Take care of his beloved “G-Bag Nation” flag.
Well, one out of two ain’t bad.
The Broken Bud Light Bottle Trophy: Kevin Hageland volunteered to have a beer bottle broken over his head. I had the pleasure of administering the “Wheel of Misfortune” punishment. Kevin already goes through life in a perpetual state of “being concussed,” so medical attention was not sought.
Things-That-Don’t Exist Honorarium: Kevin Turner doesn’t seem to understand the concept as it relates to “Sasquatch” or “the overall excellence of the TV show ‘Community.”
The Kitchen Nightmare Silver Knife: Chris Arnold made the seemingly foolish brag that he could cook homemade lasagna and a homemade apple pie, serving six, all on the same night. But … voila! It was “delicious!” as Jeff Cavanaugh stated so many times as to suggest that Jeff Cavanaugh has a far-too-small vocabulary.
The Oxnard Virgin Consolation Prize: The aforementioned Jeff Cavanaugh is a landslide winner. One of the few single men on the trip, Cavanaugh – with credentials as a radio star and a former almost/maybe/kinda football star, has no reason not to be a ladies man. And yet — even wingmanned by yours truly using my patented “Caricatures Of Girls On Bar Napkins” technique, Cavanaugh failed to “put it in the end zone.”
But don’t despair. Hey, maybe next year in Oxnard it’ll finally be “Jeffrey Time!”
(©2014 CBS Local Media, a division of CBS Radio Inc. All Rights Reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.)
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